Ready To Commit???

I’ve been emotionally unavailable. I thought I was in a position where I could open up and love a potential life partner, but I wasn’t. I was able to develop deep feelings and perhaps love that person, but I wasn’t able to open up and let go of my defenses. I think I just might be ready now.

I can’t blame the guys I was dating for the relationships not working out – many shouldn’t have worked out! Some were amazing experiences I think I was supposed to have in life. Others were a testament to what I have learned since my divorce about myself … how early experiences shaped my thinking and behaviors; how family dynamics created learned dysfunction; how I created barriers that led to repeated experiences and how I have to take chances in order to live a fulfilling life.

I have the power in my life to create a healthy life with a healthy relationship. The first step is knowing I deserve it! The second step is allowing myself to take chances – emotional chances where I open up and don’t create an invisible safety net. I won’t lose myself in the people I date and I know I can survive if the relationship doesn’t work.

Now I need to make a decision; do I stay in the city I live in now or do I move elsewhere. I can’t open myself up to a relationship before I answer this question. I have a small network of incredible people I call friends and that will be difficult, not impossible, to recreate elsewhere.

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Maybe You Aren’t A Jerk, But I Wouldn’t Know

This is a brief post where I rant about flakey behavior. I’m not a needy person and I’m not demanding either, but I do think you should treat people with respect and consideration. I get that things happen and “life” can get in the way sometimes. Sometimes plans have to be changed because you just can’t make them. It isn’t a big deal until there’s a strong recurring pattern of not showing up and making excuses.

I used to accept a string of excuses and explain away flakey behavior. (Notice the past tense there?) No more. We all deserve equal consideration. There is no one out there that is so great that their needs always trump everyone else’s.

So, to the self-absorbed, self-important, self-centered or those who are simply unaware, we’re not a match. I don’t want to waste my time waiting when I could be spending it laughing and making great memories with people I care about and who care about me.

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Getting Back To The Basics

I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself and to remember “the basics”. The basics include believing I am worthy of love and learning to trust in order to love authentically again. I often find myself going through the motions I know are expected of me. It’s an odd thing to question your motive and feelings. After a while you simply become disconnected and numb.

Here are a few reminders I am working on:

I am worthy of healthy love. Although not perfect, I have a lot to offer a partner including emotional support, humor and loyalty.

I can only guard my heart so much before I miss out on life experiences. I have to take a chance if I want to experience something wonderful

Others are responsible for protecting their heart. I will move forward with honesty and sincerity, but it’s up to my potential partner to express their needs and wants.

I can only control how I react to situations. I’ve learned you only know so much about a person. If they want to hide something they can and the only way for you to find out it to play private detective. I don’t intend to be with anyone I have to spy on. Honesty is too important to me. I also need to appreciate the small day-to-day joys that occur and leave the non-stop worrying behind.

I can allow myself to be sad, but I can’t allow myself to wallow in sadness.

Sometimes you just have to proceed with life regardless of if you have any control or not over what happens next.

The above are struggles for me – some I struggle with more than others. I sometimes wonder how other people make it look so easy and then I remind myself that they were either taught healthy coping skills or learned those skills themselves. I can learn these skills too, but it takes time and practice. I won’t nail everything out of the gate, but as long as I continue to try, acknowledge when I fall short of my goals and forgive myself when I fall short of my goals, I will be just fine.

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Re-evaluating My Must-haves

There’s no right or wrong to a must-have, but I do believe they evolve as you do. I feel that I have grown in many ways and need to clarify a couple of my must haves that I posted last year. For one, I know I want the person I am dating to appreciate and cherish me. I know I am not perfect, but I want my partner to appreciate me for all that I am and all that I am not. Also, my partner must be authentically interested in me; not my potential.

• Honest with good character
• Loves to laugh
• Mature, but enjoys life
• Follows through on things started
• Financially responsible
• Appreciates/cherishes me as-is
• He must be authentically interested in me
• Challenges me in supportive way to be the best person I can be

What I haven’t stated clearly is my list of deal-breakers. I think my deal-breakers are implied by my list of must-haves, but there shouldn’t be any doubt in this area.

• A current addiction or substance abuse problem
• Self-centered or selfish approach to life
• Doesn’t have a passion for travel
• Unwilling to communicate and share experiences, thoughts and emotions
• Financially irresponsible
• Doesn’t follow through on obligations or promises
• Bad hygiene

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Kisses – What do they mean and what’s appropriate when?

I’ve made no secret of my awkwardness in dating. There are times I have no idea how to respond; especially when it comes to the goodnight kiss – or even the mid-date kiss!

New Year’s Eve was a fun but mellow night. I went out on a group event and ended up talking with an older man for most of the evening – we were seated next to one another during dinner and just fell into conversation. The rest of the evening, the guy seemed to follow me around. He was a nice guy, but not really my type physically or even personality-wise.

Anyways, he tried to kiss me at midnight and I instead turned it into a peck and a hug. He was definitely going in for an open-mouth kiss and it was awkward for a bit. At the end of the evening he again tried for a kiss. I was more caught by surprise this time and ended up giving him two pecks … After the first peck he was still right there in my face’ I didn’t know what to do and so the second peck resulted.

I almost feel the double-peck is misleading and conveys a sense of interest even when there is none. Obviously, the peck isn’t as misleading as a full open-mouth kiss. I just didn’t know what to do – he was literally right in my face and not pulling back. (Kudos for his confidence, but respect my personal space.)

Even when I can tell my date is going to go in for a kiss I can react awkwardly. Other times I don’t and can smoothly turn and offer “the cheek”. I think this is partly because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Maybe I should practice the hair tousle or top-of-the-head pat.

I’m curious how others react and respond to the goodnight kiss and other attempts before the end of the evening.

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I Still Don’t Get It – Online Dating & Old, Old Profile Pics

I met a guy this past weekend who I had been emailing and texting for months. I realize if you are texting and emailing for months without meeting there’s probably not a sincere interest, but decided to explore and see what would happen. So we met.

BUST!!!!

Again, the guy’s profile picture was old and about 40lb lighter than what he currently weighs.

I completely get being self-conscious, but if meeting someone you can’t hide what you look like. The best strategy is to be honest. Yes, you might meet fewer people in person but the people you do meet will be interested in you for you.

It’s a red flag for me when people post outdated profile pictures. If you can’t be honest now, can you be honest in difficult situations? If you are so insecure in yourself, are you looking for someone to make you feel whole or better about yourself? No one can make you complete or truly happy. You have to be happy yourself first.

This sounds harsh, but my first thought when I meet someone who doesn’t look like their profile pics is that I have wasted my time. Unless you bedazzle me with your personality or we have crazy chemistry, it’s a deal-breaker for me.

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Learned Craziness – The Foundation for TornadoDating.com

I had an epiphany … It may be obvious to others as I write about it, but it’s taken me quite a while to realize.

I grew up with mental illness in my family. My mother is bipolar with a strong mean streak. She has extreme mood swings with her highs and lows cycling quickly along with narcissism, depression & highly tuned manipulative skills.

As a child I was powerless to act and instead learned I had to accept her behavior and deal as best I could. This means I learned to stifle my needs, silence my inner voice and tolerate, even accept, the unacceptable.
Why am I sharing this information? One, my blog is anonymous; two, this is why Tornado Dating exists. When I learned to accept the above behavior from my mom I believed I should accept it from others. It didn’t appear odd or out of the norm because it was my everyday life.

This isn’t a pity party. I’ve learned I don’t have to deal with my mom and her crazy behaviors. As an adult I can remove myself from the situation. This realization was slow in coming, but was liberating once realized. The same applies to dating. I can remove myself from situations where behavior is unacceptable … and I have.

What I need is to listen to my inner voice earlier and leave a situation sooner rather than later. This won’t end my Tornado Dating experiences, but does provide me with a sense of empowerment.
If you are struggling with dating, take a look at yourself and key family relationships you have struggled with or watched struggle. (We learn by watching too!) This isn’t a magic bullet approach, but a first step in a better direction.

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5 Ways to Tell if Your New Girl Digs You.

You’ve been out on a first date with a new woman and you’re interested in pursuing her. However, what you don’t know is this: Is this woman into me? That’s the noodle spinner, isn’t it?

It’s not always easy to discern if a woman is into you or not. However, there are some tell tale signs that, if you’re astute enough an observer, will lead you in the right direction when you ask yourself whether to pursue or not.

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What Movies Can Teach us About Dating – Wedding Crasher Rules

I came across a site listing 112 Wedding Crasher Rules.  In reading these rules I recognized many applied to dating.  I’ve listed out the rules I believe apply and added some context and commentary

The Rules (A few of the 112 Rules)

• Rule #5 – Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher. 
  TD: If you surround yourself with positive and emotionally healthy friends, don’t let someone you are dating come between you and your friends.  You may not spend as much time with your friends as you once did, but you should make the effort to keep those friendships going.
• Rule #6 – Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.  TD: Fun and happy people are attractive.  Get out and have fun and you might be surprised how many people approach you!
• Rule #7 – Blend in by standing out.  TD: Use caution here … You don’t want to stand out so much you appear psychotic; just enough to catch someone’s eye.
• Rule #8 – Be the life of the party.  TD: Again, use caution here. Coming across as a gregarious person is great, but you don’t want to come off as frat-boy or party-girl.
• Rule #11 – Sensitive is good.  TD: Being sensitive doesn’t mean crying for a female or coming across as wimpy for a male.  It means paying attention to your date and being aware.  If unsure, ask; asking is also a sign of consideration.
• Rule #18 – You love animals and children.  TD: Compassion for others is good – people and pets. 
• Rule #20 – Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.  TD: It’s important to maintain your own life and interest even when in a serious relationship.  I’m not saying create an excuse or lie to avoid your partner, but time away from each other can actually enrich the relationship.  Also, if meeting for the first time, keeping a time limit can be beneficial.  It allows you to decide if you would like to get to know the person better and provides an out if you don’t.
• Rule #21 – Definitely make sure she’s 18.  TD: Legal age is obviously important.  I would even extend this to age differences and what is age-appropriate for you.  Do you have common interests?  Does conversation come naturally and easily?  If so, an age difference, when person is legal and consenting adult, may not matter.  Consider the person and not the age.
• Rule #25 – You understand she heard that but that’s not what you meant.  TD: Communication is huge.  You may not always agree, but understanding the other point of view is important.
• Rule #27 – Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.  TD: Drinking isn’t necessarily bad, but when you drink excessively or become a sloppy drinker, it’s a turn-off.  Drinking too much lessens awareness and you are more likely to say or do something you wouldn’t if sober.
• Rule #29 – Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.  TD: When dating or in a relationship you don’t want to lose yourself, but you are forming a team of two  (more if you have kids).  It’s important to know you both will be there for the other.  Also knowing strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes can help you divvy up daily must-do’s.
• Rule #37 – At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.  TD: This rule ties in with Rule #27.  You can’t make good decisions wen drunk.
• Rule #39 – The way to a woman’s bed is through the dance floor.  TD: I am going to remove the sexual intention from this Rule and instead emphasize dancing is a great way to build intimacy and connection – especially slow dancing.  If dancing to club music, dancing provides an opportunity to have fun while getting to know one another.  I would caution men not to become octopus-man and have his hands all over the girl he’s dancing with. 
• Rule #40 – Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”  TD: I interpret this rule as being kind and considerate.  Nice guys can finish first.
• Rule #42 – Try not to break anything, unless you’re not having fun.  TD: I am going to take some creative license with this one … if you aren’t having fun, end the date or the relationship.  This doesn’t mean break it off at the first disagreement, but an unhealthy relationship is one worth leaving.
• Rule #66 – Smile! You’re having the time of your life.  TD: Smiling is important and attractive.  A person smiling is much more approachable than someone who isn’t.  If there is someone you are interested in, make eye contact and smile.  Try it a few times and you’ll be able to see if the other person is interested in you.
• Rule #67 – Mix it up a little. You can’t always be the man with the haunted past.  TD: Don’t dwell on the negative and highlight various interests.  Few people are looking for a couch potato.
• Rule #72 – Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints – small cost, big yield.  TD: Bad breathe, and bad body odor, are turn-offs! 
• Rule #73 – No excuses. Party like a champion.  TD: Life will pass you by unless you live it.  We all have been hurt and need some time to heal, but at some point you have to stop the excuses and get out there. 
• Rule #77 – Carry extra protection.  TD: Be mature and responsible in your relationships.  Carry condoms.  Don’t drive if drunk.
• Rule #80 – Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.  TD: Again, live life.  Sometimes this means slowing down to appreciate the smaller joys in life we take for granted.  Take a look around you and appreciate what’s there.  If it isn’t working, listen to you inner voice and either work to fix it or leave it.
• Rule #81 – Occasionally bring a gift – you’re getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.  TD: Showing appreciation can be done in many ways.  Yes, you can give flowers, but sometimes a compliment is even more powerful.
• Rule #82 – Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.  TD: I interpret this as knowing what you want out of a relationship or potential partner, but not getting caught-up in a romantic fairy tale.  Keep your expectations real and grounded.
• Rule #86 – Shoes say a lot about the man.  TD: How you present yourself is important.  We all don’t have money to dress in designer clothes, but we can iron a shirt rather than wear it wrinkled or comb our hair rather than keep it a mess.
• Rule #96 – Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned. It’s sexy.  TD: This is huge for me!!!!!  Manners are important.  I don’t need to see what you are eating when you are talking.  Yes, I can open a door, but’s it’s nice when you offer.  This goes for both men and women.
• Rule #99 – Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.  TD: This ties in with Rule #72.  Don’t bathe in cologne to mask other odors.
• Rule #104 – Be well groomed and well-mannered.  TD: Rules #86 & #96 are similar.  You can still be fun, energetic and youthful while maintaining manners and good hygiene.
• Rule #107 – Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating.  TD: Refer to Rule #80.
• Rule #108 – Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.  TD: Refer to Rules #39 & #40.

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When Your Date’s Friends Are Too Much Drama

I used to think it wasn’t fair to judge anyone based upon some of their friends, but I have learned someone’s friends are a reflection of the person. There may be a wild friend or two, or even one you strongly dislike, but the overall pattern of friends is important.

I went out on a date Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, with the intention of meeting several of my date’s friends and his sister. I was a bit intimidated by the prospect of meeting his friends and family given we have only gone on a few dates. There was also reservation because I feel there is more of a friendship between us rather than a romantic connection.

The night started out okay and I met his sister and a few extended friends. As the evening progressed more of his friends arrived and many became drunk. This was the turning point for the evening.

One of his close friends was exceptionally drunk and obnoxious. He wandered through the bar area of the restaurant starting conversations with strangers that soon turned into arguments. As the restaurant closed down and the bar activity picked up, the situation continued downhill. I’ll refer to him as “drunken guy”.

There were several women, not part of our group, who were also drunk and for some reason this night the drunks were drawn to one another. At some point, drunken guy begins arguing with some random woman who ends up joining our booth. I’ll refer to her as “drunken girl 1”. As soon as drunken girl 1 sits down she begins berating a few of the people we were with. I don’t know what she said, but all of a sudden another girl in our party who wasn’t drinking, I’ll refer to her as fighting girl, jumps up in the booth and starts yelling at drunken girl 1. The two girls began yelling back and forth threatening to fight the other. Drunken girl 1 is then escorted out by restaurant/bar staff. I thought that was the end until the other girl follows her out.

I was stunned. This is behavior you see in high school and maybe college, but not by people in their late 20s and 30s.

Drunken guy then brings over drunken girl 2. I don’t know how old she was, but easily in her early 20s. She was so drunk she was falling sideways out of the booth. Again, I don’t know what words were exchanged, but fighting girl was back up again shouting about “kicking ass” combined with a slew of other derogatory references.

Throughout this time, drunken guy is hitting on me and another friend of my date begins rubbing my thigh while I am sitting in the booth next to him. I distance myself from both of them. All this time my date is invisible and I have no idea where he is. In fact, it didn’t feel like a date at all.

The night was chaotic … perhaps psychotic. I left with my mind whirling and wondering if the night’s events really happened. It was all surreal.

I did realize I don’t want to invite or allow this drama into my life. I also realize I don’t want to invest my emotion in someone who is okay with this level of drama in his life. We are a reflection of those we surround ourselves with.

So now I have to have “the talk” and express my non-desire to pursue a relationship with my date from this night. I don’t think I even want to pursue a friendship because I don’t want to get sucked into the negativity and immaturity.

Just another Tornado Date to add to my list!

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