Archive for June, 2009

The following weekend story isn’t really a dating story. There were no dates involved. Instead it’s a recount of a woman who didn’t know who she was, what she wanted or what she deserved. It’s also the tale of a woman who was lonely and wanted to feel something.

Lapse #1 – Hooking up with a friend of a friend.
This isn’t necessarily such a bad think except that I was jinxed by my friends. The guy, although nice, is just too damn hairy! Seriously, there needs to be some sort of warning label. I don’t mean he just had chest hair – he had chest, stomach, back, and butt hair! “Sasquatch” and “Wookie” are not an unrealistic nickname.

To understand my lapse in judgment you have to understand timing. It was my Birthday – the first since I separated from my husband and the first since I filed for divorce. I was still struggling with “what did I do wrong?” and “why wasn’t I good enough?” questions. I wanted to be wanted and I wanted affection and companionship. After several mixed drinks and shots, I was most definitely wearing my “beer goggles”.

I did learn a few good dating lessons:

  1. You can’t always tell how hairy a man is until he takes off his shirt
  2. Needy partners generally have security issues and will either remain needy or their need will grow
  3. Sulky men are not attractive
  4. Some people are just not compatible
  5. Sex for the sake of sex just isn’t worth it and doesn’t always provide affection or companionship
  6. Red flag if any person tells you they feel entitled to anything they want and get upset when they don’t get it

Lapse#2 – Making out with a college student
Yeah, you read right! Birthday bash and drunken debauchery continues.

Last night I ventured out with my roomie clubbing where we were meeting up with some friends. We got there late and needed a little bit of liquid courage so we could get out on the dance floor and shake our groove things!

A couple of drinks and a shot later I was on out the dance floor shaking my rump and experiencing the dance club scene once again after 7 or so years. It wasn’t bad and I had a good time.

I spent most of the night dancing with my friend’s brother. At one point he grabs my hand and says “let’s go make a scene” and we jump into the middle of a big crowd of people on the dance floor and start dancing. Literally, the people formed a circle around us and watched us dance. We dance together pretty much all night long and had a great time.

We stayed at the club until closing time and then headed back to one of their friend’s places in Seattle where we hung out and played video games.

Toward the end of the night the awesome dancer-guy leaned over and kissed me. It was a nice soft kiss followed by a few more. Then he grabs my hand and leads me to a bedroom in the back. I stop at the doorway for two reasons; 1) it was a bedroom and 2) another guy was already laying on the bed.

My young college guy jumps on the bed and pats the mattress with his hand inviting me to join him. Again, two problems; 1) it’s a bedroom and 2) the other guy is still laying on the bed. After a few minutes, when college guy realized I wasn’t going to jump into bed with him, we returned to the living room.

Next Monday morning at work, college guy’s brother, approached me and harasses me (fun-spirited) about making out with his younger brother. My weekend skeletons were exposed! Funny thing is that his brother didn’t mention anything about the bedroom beconing!

It was a wild and fun weekend, but one that won’t be repeated. (I won’t say never repeated because you should never say never!)

Honestly, that’s just not a normal thing for me. I know I was rediscovering myself and the single world but it’s just not my style.

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I decided to recount my first date experience as it is really the catalyst for TornadoDating. I must admit this was a “tornado date,” and although almost 2 years ago the memory of this tornado of a date makes me laugh and shake my head at the same time! Read for yourself and decide.

Yesterday I decided to take a big leap and venture out on my sort-of-first date since my divorce. What an experience it was!

I wasn’t attracted physically to the guy, but thought I needed to venture out and meet new people, broaden my horizons, and just be me – single.

We met at the zoo and walked around for a while. He wasn’t really interested in seeing many of the animals so it turned into more of a hike than anything else.

The first thing that bothered me was his voice level. He talked so loud I am sure everyone could hear all he said from several feet away. Another big red flag was said he was an online gamer and his online gaming buddies were his family. Having been with a man who can only relate to people online, but I decided to continue and view this as an experience and practice. (This little idea was proposed by a good friend of mine, “Its dating practice and experience. You’ll what you like and don’t like.”)

Throughout the day he talked about how he completely rocked at his job, moved up quickly, makes tons of money – six figures and more than most people in Louisville, and has expensive toys. I guess this was supposed to impress me, but it was so rampant it was to the point of severe insecurity and the need to impress.

Again, experience and practice I reminded myself. (I need to talk with my friend!)

We sat down for a while on a bench and talked. Then he reached over and stroked my arm several times. I don’t recall what he was saying while he was stroking my arm, but felt very uncomfortable – there was no chemistry between and that was an invasion of my personal space. He then asks “when was the last time someone touched me like that?” Funny enough – just the other week when I was in Toronto and a guy was hitting on me. It creeped me out then too!

He didn’t like my answer but continued with that line of conversation and asked if I liked it when he touched me. I was honest and told him it made me uncomfortable – not an answer he liked! He got up, paced a bit, suggested we walk some more, and sulked for a while.

Again – the experience and practice. I must have built up some good karma points during this “experience”.

I should have ended the date much earlier and even at this point, but agreed to get something to eat. I wasn’t enjoying myself but thought perhaps I had been so removed from the dating scene I didn’t have the right expectations. Also, I could hear my friend telling me experience and practice!

We went to a pool bar and had a few drinks before decided to shoot some pool. I had said I wasn’t that good at pool and he had claimed he was pretty good. Well, I ended up beating him two games in a row. The first game came down to me having one ball on the table blocking his shot on the eight ball. He could have played a safety but instead just swiped both balls into the pocket and said I won. (Ummm … warning sign when grown man acts like a child!) I won the second game fair and square during which he was pouting and getting agitated.

Once more, the voice in my head … experience and practice.

He decides he doesn’t want to shoot pool any more and we sit down at a table where he tells me I am rigid. Not quite understanding the comment I ask him to explain. According to him, I am very self-protective and disciplined thus making me rigid. Okay, I am coming out of a 13-year relationship and was hurt by my husband’s actions – of course I am going to be self-protective. (He knew this prior to the date and that this would be my first date.)

I then am treated to his professional mental health advice that I just need to get over my marriage and divorce. Ok, great advice, but these things do take time – just not according to him. According to this guy I am an attractive female and just need to find another guy – probably him.

I am not opposed to finding another person to share life with but want to dedicate some time to myself. I have a lot of hope right now and truly believe the divorce is a benefit for me. I want to use this time and enjoy the serenity to know myself as a single person.

As he turned more argumentative I decided the experience and practice was just not worth it and I had given this more of an effort than I needed too. (Damn experience and practice advice!)

I told him that I was going to go to the restroom and give the conversation a breather because I was at the point where I was going to throw money down on the table and walk out. He said I didn’t need to pay anything for the bill – because remember he makes tons of money – so I grabbed my purse and walked out.

I have never walked out on a date before because I was always too concerned with hurting someone’s feelings. This time it wasn’t about hurting or not hurting someone’s feelings, it was about being in a positive and healthy environment. He was none of those things and I knew I wouldn’t have anything to do with him moving on so why endure such a negative and self-centered person. (I was finished with Experience and practice for the evening!)

Needless to say, Date #1 is blog worthy and I can look back and laugh at the experience while hoping this won’t be a recurring happening. My respect to all stable and dating singles out there. I believe it definitely qualifies as a “Tornado Date”!

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It’s no secret that I am not a fan of dating. It’s not that I am opposed to dating. It’s the rituals of dating that I find frustrating. I believe dating is a dance choreographed by either a mad genius or someone with little-to-no depth perception. Often times I describe dating as a peacock mating dance. (Male peacocks have vibrant tail feathers and proudly display their plumage – strutting around and even “shaking their tail feathers” when fancying a female.) Perhaps it is simply a tornado of random events throwing people together and letting the pieces fall where they will.

Some elements of the dating dance are fun – the excitement of realizing you like the other person, the excitement of realizing they like you, the first kiss. Then there’s the anxiety and awkward moments compiled with the social expectations – especially around the holidays, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries.

Now take my already profound belief dating is arcane, yet necessary, with having recently entered the dating scene after a prolonged absence. The result is similar to a kindergarten finger painting assignment where all the primary colors are mixed together creating a muddy mess of goo. (Yes, I said “goo”.) This would accurately describe my level of dating proficiency.

I don’t know if I dove into dating – I think I belly flopped.

My dating adventure, which I refer to as Tornado Dating, has been interesting with some good great dates and some not-great dates. I plan to take you along on my adventure and hope you enjoy the ride.

You can also follow me on Twitter.

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