Getting Back With An Ex

I recently broke up with a wonderful man. Why, because the timing just wasn’t right and there were some differences that were too great to overlook. I refuse to be a person or part of a couple that breaks ups and gets back together over and over again. That’s drama I am not willing to jump into, but I do wonder if we might get back together in the future. It’s probably not a good idea to entertain these thoughts, but it’s what’s rolling around in my head and my heart.

So, when is it a good idea to get back together with an ex?

I’ve come to realize that after a break-up it seems like the bad memories and reasons for the break-up fade away. (Let me say that these bad memories do not include any violence or cheating. Deep physical and emotional pains take time to heal and I am not dismissing those pains, but they were not a part of this relationship.) I’m trying to remain realistic and remind myself of why we broke up without harping on the past. There weren’t any actions that require us to attempt to forgive the other. Our problems were a combination of communication issues and personal issues we both need to work on. It wasn’t a bad relationship; it just wasn’t the right relationship at the time.

Commitment is something I am scared of and he was pushing hard for a commitment I just couldn’t make. Our communication was also off a bit, but both of these can be improved over time and with effort. We both need to grow a bit as individuals before we should consider coming back together as a couple.

It’s interesting in that neither of us blame the other for the break-up. We both played a part in it and our conversations since have been emotional, but healthy and positive. We are actually sharing more information about our feelings and frustrations.

We’ve both admitted to missing the other and expressed a desire to work on building a friendship in the future. Essentially, emotions are too raw to attempt to be close friends, but we both value the other person. It’s possible we aren’t the right partner for one another, but I do see him as a valuable friend with positive influence.

I miss him and not just the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, it feels wonderful to be held in the arms of a man you care about and to know he cares deeply for you, but I want more than a physical connection. I need to trust the person I am with and trust is difficult for me. I don’t worry about my partner cheating, but I don’t always have faith that they will be there when I need them emotionally. So, yes, I am lonely, but I don’t want to jump into a relationship so that I don’t feel lonely.

Before I can even consider getting back together, I need to know that I have changed; I need to know he has changed. It won’t work if everything is the same.

So, for now, the plan is to take it one day at a time. If, in a few months, we still have feelings for the other we can talk about getting back together. If that happens, we need to move slowly to make sure we are not repeating the past. It may be that we are meant to be friends. If that’s the case, I will be lucky to consider him a friend.

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Breaking Up – It’s Never Fun

I broke up with my boyfriend the other week. I feel horrible for breaking up, but I know it was the right decision. He’s an amazing guy, but there are certain differences and behaviors we can’t bridge. I guess it’s more of me not being able to bridge or accept those differences.

I’ve talked about concerns with his drinking and those concerns came to a head one recent weekend. It made me realize that I don’t want to be someone’s caregiver in that way. I most definitely want to be someone’s lover and not a potential lover’s mother.

The break-up was as good as a break could be. There’s sadness on both sides, but I know his heart is broken more than mine is. I don’t think he understood how deep my concerns where when we talked about them before the break-up happened. Now he is running through the what-if scenarios. I HATE hurting people. Too often I compromise myself in order to avoid hurting someone.

What I find interesting is the selective memory that follows a break-up. I find myself remembering only the amazing qualities and fun memories. I guess it makes sense in a way because you aren’t seeing or dealing with the stuff that you don’t like.

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Incompatibility, complete rudeness and wimpiness!

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. I’ve gone out on a few dates with the 34-year old 13-year old and have just confirmed we are not compatible. It’s good to have an absolute position but it creates an interesting situation.

The story first … 34-year old invites me out to dinner with him, a good friend he worked with years ago and his friend’s wife. (We had already spent the last few evenings hanging out and this was their last evening in town.) We didn’t want to go somewhere mellow and decided on The Cheesecake Factory. At the end of the meal we asked our server for a box to take the left-overs home. (I would like to say I am good about eating left overs, but I often forget about them.)

The server says she can only take one dish because she has cleared the table and is holding several other dishes in her other hand. She jokes she needs to grow an extra arm or two and asks if she should grow them from her back or from her sides. (Weird conversation, but stick with me.) 34-year old leans toward the waitress and reaches out toward her breasts saying he could show her. (Honest!)

I couldn’t believe he did that. I don’t care about the respect or disrespect it shows for me. It’s more about his disrespect and lack of awareness for others. I immediately told him he his actions were rude and offensive and he acted surprised. His first reaction was to laugh it off but them he asked me about it again. I reiterated my opinion and pointed out how a different waitress was now cashing us out. His friend joked about him being served a sexual harassment complaint as a customer versus a co-worker.

I’m still shocked when I think back to this.

Here’s where it gets complicated … he invited himself along to a Halloween party. He mentioned he was going to a Halloween party/show and I said I was going to the same one and had already purchased my ticket. The day he bought his he emailed letting me know. A few days later we were talking about the event and I asked who he was going with. His answer was me. I asked about his friends he mentioned might be going and he said they still might be, but he didn’t know.

Now I feel obligated to stall my exit until after the Halloween party. I know I should just end things now, but I am a wimpy marshmallow!

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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do – A Few Guidelines

I stink at breaking up and thought I would share the below guidelines/thoughts.

1. Just Do it – There’s never a perfect time to break-up. Postponing the inevitable isn’t doing you or he/she a favor. Let everyone move on with their life.
2. Make It Fast – The longer you take to get to the point the more the point is lost and the less he/she will take you seriously.
3. Be Honest – Don’t lie or sugarcoat the situation. Don’t say “It’s me and not you” and instead say your feelings have changed. You aren’t blaming him/her and it isn’t really something they can argue. Your feelings belong to you.
4. Don’t Fall Into Guilt Trap – This is important because it doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with him/her, but guilt is not a reason to stay with anyone. Guilt is often used to manipulate and control. Happiness and love are not created out of guilt.
5. Avoid the Hamster Wheel – Don’t fall into a cycle of breaking-up and getting back together. The hassle and drama isn’t generally worth it.
6. Set Boundaries or Post-Breakup Rules – Can you really be friends? Is he/her friend worthy? If you are breaking up because you can’t trust your partner or he/she treats you badly, do you want that sort of friend?
7. Pick Neutral Ground – Select neutral ground for this conversation. If you invite him/her over to your place you are somewhat trapped unless you ask him/her to leave. Have the conversation in person. Text and email isn’t fair or respectful to the other person. Of course, if you have only gone out on a few dates without any intimacy, email can work.

It’s hard to break up with someone and we often feel bad about it. I try to remind myself everyone is essentially looking for a partner who genuinely loves them. Staying in a relationship when you aren’t feeling it and misleading the other person isn’t fair to either of you.

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Tornado Dating Break Ups

#1
I stink at dating and am even worse with breaking up. I hate the thought of hurting someone’s feelings and try to convince myself I am doing everyone a favor by not wasting time or letting feelings become deep. I’ve realized there is no perfect time and the “It’s me, not you” is a legitimate excuse that no one wants to hear.

I was dating the 34-year old 13-year old and decided it wasn’t working. We were too different in too many ways and he was way too kinky for me. My resolve came when I realized I didn’t like kissing him and being around him was annoying. Now I had to decide when to break things off.

I didn’t want to vanish and just stop talking to him and his birthday was coming up so I didn’t want to break-up on his b-day. Interestingly, I get an email from him a few days before his birthday saying he met someone he wanted to date and we had said we would let the other know. He said he felt like crap because I treated him well and we should talk in person. I was relieved, but also wanted to throw the BS flag. If he wanted to talk in person he wouldn’t have sent an email. There really wasn’t anything more to talk about. I agreed it was time to end things and wished him well.

#2
I met a guy from the online dating site for coffee. He wasn’t physically what I expected, but our emails were fun and we seemed to have a lot in common. We both work for the same company, but in completely unrelated divisions. Within the first week he was using our internal IM to send me notes and talk about our days. At first this wasn’t an issue, but he started trending to sexual innuendos; something I am not comfortable with on corporate IM.

I expressed some reservation about the direction and pace he was taking and he agreed to course-correct and slow down. He then invited me to dinner later that week.

During dinner there were more innuendos and I finally told him I couldn’t pursue the relationship because we were definitely on two different paths with two different comfort levels. He said he was sorry but understood.

A day or so later he IM’d me saying he wished we had “fun” before I decided not to pursue a relationship. Guess my message didn’t get through.

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