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Archive for the ‘Online Dating’ Category

It’s been a while since my last post and I haven’t really gone on many dates since.  I’m a bit burnt out and this next story was a big reason I took a break.

I haven’t had much success in online dating.  I’ve found that while profiles and emails may help you filter incompatibilities, you still can’t decipher how much of what the person is telling you is based on what they think you want to hear.

Once again, I meet a man I met through an online dating site for dinner.  My first mistake was that I should have stuck to my rule of coffee and can’t remember why I agreed to dinner.

Anyway, I arrive at a local Mexican restaurant and find my date sitting at the bar two-drinks into his evening.  We ask for a table and he orders another drink for himself and one for me as we start the “get-to-know-you” conversation.  Over the course of about two hours, he ordered at least four more drinks and things began to deteriorate more with each drink.

About an hour into the date, my date was drunk.  He began talking about his ex-wife and described her as psychopathic liar.  You
would think people would realize trashing an ex isn’t attractive.  I realize alcohol reduces inhibitions, but that is no excuse.

As he wrapped up his tirade about his ex-wife, he began to focus his attention back on me.  He said that we exchanged a few emails several months ago, but that our conversation fizzled.  I indicated that I didn’t recall us exchanging emails and apologized for my memory gap.  From here he told me how he was prepared to not like me, but was pleasantly surprised.

At this time, I am a bit stunned.  I should have excused myself at this time.  (My second mistake was staying as long as I did.)

Next thing I knew, he takes my hand in his hand, caresses it and tells me how he “gets me” and that “he so gets me it’s like he is inside me”!  I’m not a touchy-feely person – especially with someone I don’t know, so I am uncomfortable with him holding my hand and his comment was unsettling too.

I tell him I am not a touchy-feely person and pull my hand back as he progresses on to his next rant.  He then goes on to tell me how much he likes me and how he is surprised we are here having dinner together because “there are so many forces conspiring
against us and trying to keep us apart.”  I have no idea what these forces are and decide it is best not to ask.  (Again, I should have left at this point.)

He grabs my hand once again and this time he starts to kiss it as well.  He then tells me that he loves me and would throw his body on a grenade for me.  (What???!!!???  Remember, this is a first meeting.)  Once again, I pull my hand back and thank him for his courage to express his emotions, but that it takes me more time to care about a person.

He ignores what I have said and continues to tell me how he loves me and feels this deep connection.  At this point, I am feeling very anxious and don’t want to make him angry because he is not sober and potentially not sane.

I again thank him for his courage in expressing his emotions, start to stand up and tell him I need to head home.  He surprises me by asking if he can come with me and says that he never wants to be without me.  I tell him that he can’t come with me and that I am indeed heading home – that’s when I realize my car is parked behind the restaurant in a dark parking lot where I have to walk out and around the building.

I walk hurriedly, but with confidence back to my car – hoping the whole time that he isn’t following me.  (My third mistake was not bringing mace with me or asking the restaurant for an escort to my car.)  I make it to my car and book it out of the parking lot as quickly as I could!

The next day I send an email saying that I wasn’t comfortable with his level of drinking.  I also say that he scared me and that I couldn’t move forward or go back.  He tells me there was a good reason he was drinking that evening and then asks if we can still be friends.  (Hell no!!!!  I might end up dead or beat up.)

So, my dating sabbatical continues.  I don’t have the energy to invest in crazy dates.

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I agreed to meet another man I met through an online dating site.  In email he was charming, funny and complimentary. In person, he was more than surprising!

He wanted to meet at Daniel’s Broiler for dinner, but I suggested we meet for drinks instead.  A few minutes after I arrived and sat down at his table the hostess brought over a long-stemmed yellow rose in a vase.  I looked around to see if the hostesses were putting roses on all the tables and thought it was odd they’d place long-stem roses.  The only rose was the one on our table.  I thank him for the gesture and explained my initial confusion.

A few minutes later, he pulls out a travel brochure for the Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Festival.  (He had asked me if I had any recent trips planned or if there was anywhere I wanted to go and I mentioned a hot air balloon festival in Walla Walla, WA.)  He presents the brochure to me and tells me this is the hot air balloon festival to go to if I were to go to one.  He then says that he would plan out our trip – arrive Thursday because the activities really start Friday during the day.  (Keep in mind that this is our first meeting and we’d only exchanged a handful of emails.)

I was a little put-back by the suggestion of a weekend getaway when we didn’t even know each other, but somewhat laughed it off.  Then he produced a second brochure; this time for a cruise to Greece!  (Again, this is our FIRST meeting!)  He flips a few pages into the brochure and points to the cruise he suggests we take and then starts to rattle off dates in late August; it’s now only early-May!

Next, he produces a business card for a travel agent he met with that afternoon to get information on the hot air balloon festival and Greek cruise.  It was all way too much for me.

He did confess that the travel agent asked how long we had known each other and that she laughed when he said this was our first meeting.  He also met with a business partner prior to my arrival and his business partner saw the travel brochures and asked about them.  When his business partner learned this was our first meeting he too laughed and strongly suggested
keeping the travel brochures for another date in the future.

It was all just too much to take in and process – especially when there was no romantic chemistry to begin with.  I think the over-zealous nature with the travel brochures would have killed any potential chemistry.

I thanked him for his consideration and invested effort, but said I couldn’t agree to either trip and reminded him that this was a first meeting.

Somehow the conversation transitioned to what I did for a living and he offered me a job running a company he wanted to spin off.  It all felt a little too needy, enthusiastic or obsessed.

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I’ve exchanges emails with this guy, but we haven’t made any firm plans to meet. He’s expressed interest, but to be real … if he or I were really interested in one another we would have set plans to see each other again.

Also, I don’t think I am an emotionally needy woman requiring a guy to reach out to me all the time, but I do like a sense of stable connection. Email is fine, but I also like talking with the person. We aren’t making this effort either.

The easy conclusion is we both are not interested in a romantic relationship. There may be friendship potential only time will tell.

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Dating is full of passive aggressive behaviors. I’ll admit to allowing communication to dwindle rather than say I am not interested in a person. I’ve also noticed I tend to be less interested in a person if I email them rather than try to set up time to meet. Again, I don’t always come out and say I am not feeling an attraction or interest.

With the above in mind I began thinking about my recent “good date guy”. It might not have been a mutual good date.

At the end of our date I said I really enjoyed myself, but didn’t feel like I expressed a desire to go out again. He said he greatly enjoyed my company and conversation. (Hmmm … ok, not exactly a response that knocked my socks off.)

A few days later there was a similar exchange in email and he asked about my upcoming schedule. Unfortunately, our schedules didn’t align. He had friends coming into town and then was traveling the next week. I was booked the current week and then heading out of town the weekend he returned. He then emailed “perhaps we can see a movie or do something after that if you are game? In the meantime drop me a line here and there and let me know how your week is going.”

My approach is to take everything in stride. If there is genuine interest we will invest effort into seeing each other again. I am uncertain of his actual interest level, but I can’t change what others are attracted to.

For now I will just appreciate having had a nice and fun date with a sane man.

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Dating is most definitely an interesting adventure. In my case it often feels like a tornado – Tornado Dating!

Up to this point I haven’t had many second dates and in the instances where I have dates, in hindsight, I shouldn’t have. I don’t always trust my judgment or instincts and the below post highlights this lack of trust.

I’ve been emailing with an online match for several months. We had plans early on to meet, but for some reason postponed. Then our emails became sporadic until around Christmas. We then began discussing plans to meet. I wasn’t excited about meeting and even came close to rescheduling or canceling. I’m glad I didn’t.

For the first time in a very long time I am intrigued an truly interested in a man both physically and mentally.

We met for dinner and discover a wait of almost an hour before a table would be available. Our conversation was easy, fun and interesting, and our wait passed quickly. We talked about our various travel adventures, embarrassing moments and even work.

Ahhh … As I am writing this I can tell I am recalling the date with the enthusiasm of a school-girl crush. I’m ignoring his voice and my first thought it wasn’t deep enough. What I recall instead is the wonderful personality, energy and smile this man has.

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I’m not currently dating anyone seriously; I don’t even have casual dates lined up. I’m burnt out from dating; especially on-line dating and misrepresenting profiles. My New Year’s Eve will not be spent with a date and instead with a banquet room full of strangers forcing me to venture out of my comfort zone and meet new people.

Am I lonely, yes, but I don’t want to invest time and emotion if I am not into someone or don’t see potential in the relationship. I’ve done this many times and it eventually makes me feel like crap. I begin to doubt my worthiness and value which is insane because I am intelligent, fun-loving and attractive. I know I am not a “perfect 10”, but I do have a lot going for me.

What I have noticed about being lonely, and perhaps this is a female trait, is that I think back on previous boyfriends with a bit of distortion to my memory.

There’s one boyfriend I dated a year ago who was incredibly fun and had an incredible heart and soul. He was also an incredible lover. Unfortunately, he was not good with communication and was a runner. He would distance himself whenever conflict arose. He also had a lot of family issues and drama in his life because of family. Lastly, he wasn’t financially responsible and had funky toes. (I have an anti-foot fetish so funky toes were a big deal!)

I know all of the above and can remind myself of our differences, but during certain moments when I think back I miss him and wonder if I should have stuck it out. Logically I know the answer … We made the right decision to break-up, but I do wonder if I will ever laugh like I did with him; feel as sexy as I did with him; enjoy sex as much as I did with him …

When we were together I knew we wouldn’t be a long-term relationship. We dated for about a year and I made sure I didn’t fall in love with him, but I am pretty sure I did fall in love with him in many ways. Now that time has passed it’s easy to forget why we broke up and instead only remember the good times. It’s easier to reminisce, and even perhaps fantasize, about what might have been and wonder if I will experience the connection and compatibility I had with him, minus many of the incompatibilities, within a healthier and long-term relationship.

I don’t plan on calling him and he doesn’t know about this blog. Again, logically, I know the relationship had specific deal-breakers which remain deal-breakers today. It’s just easier to over-look them because they aren’t present every day and aren’t as significant.

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I met a guy this past weekend who I had been emailing and texting for months. I realize if you are texting and emailing for months without meeting there’s probably not a sincere interest, but decided to explore and see what would happen. So we met.

BUST!!!!

Again, the guy’s profile picture was old and about 40lb lighter than what he currently weighs.

I completely get being self-conscious, but if meeting someone you can’t hide what you look like. The best strategy is to be honest. Yes, you might meet fewer people in person but the people you do meet will be interested in you for you.

It’s a red flag for me when people post outdated profile pictures. If you can’t be honest now, can you be honest in difficult situations? If you are so insecure in yourself, are you looking for someone to make you feel whole or better about yourself? No one can make you complete or truly happy. You have to be happy yourself first.

This sounds harsh, but my first thought when I meet someone who doesn’t look like their profile pics is that I have wasted my time. Unless you bedazzle me with your personality or we have crazy chemistry, it’s a deal-breaker for me.

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I’ve experienced online dating through one popular dating platform and have had recommendations to try others. I’m not sure I want to continue online dating or not, but have noticed how it is perfect for passive aggressive behaviors. Online dating, by its nature, is more impersonal than meeting someone in person and deciding to date and get to know one another. There’s a built-in distance to online dating because you are communicating via email initially. It’s perfect for non-confrontational personalities as you can fade in and out of communication.

Dating is very personal and I understand how some people can feel rejected when there’s not a good match or chemistry. On the flip side, I don’t understand why people are so uncomfortable in saying there’s no chemistry. For example, I met a gentleman for the first time a few weeks ago. I was uncertain if there was good chemistry but was willing to explore a first date. I sent a text the next day saying I enjoyed meeting him and was looking forward to our next meeting. I also followed up with an email and my availability. I received no response from the guy and assumed there was no interest on his side. I did know he was going to be alone for the holidays and just recently invited him out to a group event.

To the above invite he responded via email that he rarely checks the email account he had given me and he assumed I was not interested when he didn’t hear from me. He continued to say he ran into a past friend and was considering exploring a relationship with that friend.

I chuckled when I read the email. He apparently wasn’t interested and didn’t know how to express disinterest. If you are pursuing online dating and providing an email account you don’t check often you aren’t really looking for a relationship. I’ve gone through this phase several times and understand sometimes it is just too much effort or emotionally I just can’t invest. It’s not a crime; it just is.

I’m not upset, depressed or devastated. In fact, I’m relieved as I know a passive aggressive personality is not generally attractive to me. I’m also learning a lot about people through their communication style which helps me better filter people.

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I know the title sounds shallow, but looks do matter to a degree. I don’t think looks are everything, but there should be some physical attraction.

Sometimes very small physical features can turn me off. For example, I am not that tall, but generally am attracted to tall men. I have started to date men who are shorter, but admit I can’t date a guy under 5’7”. (My height with heels on.) There was also another time when a guy I was with had oddly stubby fingers and hands not in proportion with his body. I didn’t like the thought of holding hands or being touched by him. Definitely not a good feeling when looking for romantic relationship.

Most recently I had a first meeting with a guy I met online through the dating site I belong to. The guy was somewhat attractive in his pictures and we had good phone conversations. Meeting in person became a deal-breaker.

I am very much attracted to nice teeth and know this is not something I can compromise on. The guy I just met had severe fluoride stains on his teeth and also had a significant snaggle tooth. His snaggle tooth protruded sideways and even peaked out a bit when his lips were closed. I knew within minutes those were deal-breakers and cut short the meeting after about 20 minutes. I didn’t tell the guy why I didn’t feel attracted to him, but instead said I didn’t think we had chemistry. (It helped that we had opposite personalities, likes and dislikes.)

Balding and gray hair do not bother me, but I am not a fan of mustaches or beards. Goatees are a different category. Some guys can pull them off and others can’t. An unkempt beard is not attractive. Excessive body hair, all over back or stomach and really thick, isn’t attractive either. Plus, shedding leaves hairs all over the place.

It would be interesting to hear some of the physical traits that turn guys off. (I know weight usually makes the list.)

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I came across a site listing 112 Wedding Crasher Rules.  In reading these rules I recognized many applied to dating.  I’ve listed out the rules I believe apply and added some context and commentary

The Rules (A few of the 112 Rules)

  • Rule #5 – Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher. 
    TD: If you surround yourself with positive and emotionally healthy friends, don’t let someone you are dating come between you and your friends.  You may not spend as much time with your friends as you once did, but you should make the effort to keep those friendships going.
  • Rule #6 – Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.  TD: Fun and happy people are attractive.  Get out and have fun and you might be surprised how many people approach you!
  • Rule #7 – Blend in by standing out.  TD: Use caution here … You don’t want to stand out so much you appear psychotic; just enough to catch someone’s eye.
  • Rule #8 – Be the life of the party.  TD: Again, use caution here. Coming across as a gregarious person is great, but you don’t want to come off as frat-boy or party-girl.
  • Rule #11 – Sensitive is good.  TD: Being sensitive doesn’t mean crying for a female or coming across as wimpy for a male.  It means paying attention to your date and being aware.  If unsure, ask; asking is also a sign of consideration.
  • Rule #18 – You love animals and children.  TD: Compassion for others is good – people and pets. 
  • Rule #20 – Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.  TD: It’s important to maintain your own life and interest even when in a serious relationship.  I’m not saying create an excuse or lie to avoid your partner, but time away from each other can actually enrich the relationship.  Also, if meeting for the first time, keeping a time limit can be beneficial.  It allows you to decide if you would like to get to know the person better and provides an out if you don’t.
  • Rule #21 – Definitely make sure she’s 18.  TD: Legal age is obviously important.  I would even extend this to age differences and what is age-appropriate for you.  Do you have common interests?  Does conversation come naturally and easily?  If so, an age difference, when person is legal and consenting adult, may not matter.  Consider the person and not the age.
  • Rule #25 – You understand she heard that but that’s not what you meant.  TD: Communication is huge.  You may not always agree, but understanding the other point of view is important.
  • Rule #27 – Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.  TD: Drinking isn’t necessarily bad, but when you drink excessively or become a sloppy drinker, it’s a turn-off.  Drinking too much lessens awareness and you are more likely to say or do something you wouldn’t if sober.
  • Rule #29 – Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.  TD: When dating or in a relationship you don’t want to lose yourself, but you are forming a team of two  (more if you have kids).  It’s important to know you both will be there for the other.  Also knowing strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes can help you divvy up daily must-do’s.
  • Rule #37 – At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.  TD: This rule ties in with Rule #27.  You can’t make good decisions wen drunk.
  • Rule #39 – The way to a woman’s bed is through the dance floor.  TD: I am going to remove the sexual intention from this Rule and instead emphasize dancing is a great way to build intimacy and connection – especially slow dancing.  If dancing to club music, dancing provides an opportunity to have fun while getting to know one another.  I would caution men not to become octopus-man and have his hands all over the girl he’s dancing with. 
  • Rule #40 – Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”  TD: I interpret this rule as being kind and considerate.  Nice guys can finish first.
  • Rule #42 – Try not to break anything, unless you’re not having fun.  TD: I am going to take some creative license with this one … if you aren’t having fun, end the date or the relationship.  This doesn’t mean break it off at the first disagreement, but an unhealthy relationship is one worth leaving.
  • Rule #66 – Smile! You’re having the time of your life.  TD: Smiling is important and attractive.  A person smiling is much more approachable than someone who isn’t.  If there is someone you are interested in, make eye contact and smile.  Try it a few times and you’ll be able to see if the other person is interested in you.
  • Rule #67 – Mix it up a little. You can’t always be the man with the haunted past.  TD: Don’t dwell on the negative and highlight various interests.  Few people are looking for a couch potato.
  • Rule #72 – Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints – small cost, big yield.  TD: Bad breathe, and bad body odor, are turn-offs! 
  • Rule #73 – No excuses. Party like a champion.  TD: Life will pass you by unless you live it.  We all have been hurt and need some time to heal, but at some point you have to stop the excuses and get out there. 
  • Rule #77 – Carry extra protection.  TD: Be mature and responsible in your relationships.  Carry condoms.  Don’t drive if drunk.
  • Rule #80 – Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.  TD: Again, live life.  Sometimes this means slowing down to appreciate the smaller joys in life we take for granted.  Take a look around you and appreciate what’s there.  If it isn’t working, listen to you inner voice and either work to fix it or leave it.
  • Rule #81 – Occasionally bring a gift – you’re getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.  TD: Showing appreciation can be done in many ways.  Yes, you can give flowers, but sometimes a compliment is even more powerful.
  • Rule #82 – Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.  TD: I interpret this as knowing what you want out of a relationship or potential partner, but not getting caught-up in a romantic fairy tale.  Keep your expectations real and grounded.
  • Rule #86 – Shoes say a lot about the man.  TD: How you present yourself is important.  We all don’t have money to dress in designer clothes, but we can iron a shirt rather than wear it wrinkled or comb our hair rather than keep it a mess.
  • Rule #96 – Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned. It’s sexy.  TD: This is huge for me!!!!!  Manners are important.  I don’t need to see what you are eating when you are talking.  Yes, I can open a door, but’s it’s nice when you offer.  This goes for both men and women.
  • Rule #99 – Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.  TD: This ties in with Rule #72.  Don’t bathe in cologne to mask other odors.
  • Rule #104 – Be well groomed and well-mannered.  TD: Rules #86 & #96 are similar.  You can still be fun, energetic and youthful while maintaining manners and good hygiene.
  • Rule #107 – Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating.  TD: Refer to Rule #80.
  • Rule #108 – Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.  TD: Refer to Rules #39 & #40.

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