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Posts Tagged ‘Bad Date’

It’s been a while since my last post and I haven’t really gone on many dates since.  I’m a bit burnt out and this next story was a big reason I took a break.

I haven’t had much success in online dating.  I’ve found that while profiles and emails may help you filter incompatibilities, you still can’t decipher how much of what the person is telling you is based on what they think you want to hear.

Once again, I meet a man I met through an online dating site for dinner.  My first mistake was that I should have stuck to my rule of coffee and can’t remember why I agreed to dinner.

Anyway, I arrive at a local Mexican restaurant and find my date sitting at the bar two-drinks into his evening.  We ask for a table and he orders another drink for himself and one for me as we start the “get-to-know-you” conversation.  Over the course of about two hours, he ordered at least four more drinks and things began to deteriorate more with each drink.

About an hour into the date, my date was drunk.  He began talking about his ex-wife and described her as psychopathic liar.  You
would think people would realize trashing an ex isn’t attractive.  I realize alcohol reduces inhibitions, but that is no excuse.

As he wrapped up his tirade about his ex-wife, he began to focus his attention back on me.  He said that we exchanged a few emails several months ago, but that our conversation fizzled.  I indicated that I didn’t recall us exchanging emails and apologized for my memory gap.  From here he told me how he was prepared to not like me, but was pleasantly surprised.

At this time, I am a bit stunned.  I should have excused myself at this time.  (My second mistake was staying as long as I did.)

Next thing I knew, he takes my hand in his hand, caresses it and tells me how he “gets me” and that “he so gets me it’s like he is inside me”!  I’m not a touchy-feely person – especially with someone I don’t know, so I am uncomfortable with him holding my hand and his comment was unsettling too.

I tell him I am not a touchy-feely person and pull my hand back as he progresses on to his next rant.  He then goes on to tell me how much he likes me and how he is surprised we are here having dinner together because “there are so many forces conspiring
against us and trying to keep us apart.”  I have no idea what these forces are and decide it is best not to ask.  (Again, I should have left at this point.)

He grabs my hand once again and this time he starts to kiss it as well.  He then tells me that he loves me and would throw his body on a grenade for me.  (What???!!!???  Remember, this is a first meeting.)  Once again, I pull my hand back and thank him for his courage to express his emotions, but that it takes me more time to care about a person.

He ignores what I have said and continues to tell me how he loves me and feels this deep connection.  At this point, I am feeling very anxious and don’t want to make him angry because he is not sober and potentially not sane.

I again thank him for his courage in expressing his emotions, start to stand up and tell him I need to head home.  He surprises me by asking if he can come with me and says that he never wants to be without me.  I tell him that he can’t come with me and that I am indeed heading home – that’s when I realize my car is parked behind the restaurant in a dark parking lot where I have to walk out and around the building.

I walk hurriedly, but with confidence back to my car – hoping the whole time that he isn’t following me.  (My third mistake was not bringing mace with me or asking the restaurant for an escort to my car.)  I make it to my car and book it out of the parking lot as quickly as I could!

The next day I send an email saying that I wasn’t comfortable with his level of drinking.  I also say that he scared me and that I couldn’t move forward or go back.  He tells me there was a good reason he was drinking that evening and then asks if we can still be friends.  (Hell no!!!!  I might end up dead or beat up.)

So, my dating sabbatical continues.  I don’t have the energy to invest in crazy dates.

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I agreed to meet another man I met through an online dating site.  In email he was charming, funny and complimentary. In person, he was more than surprising!

He wanted to meet at Daniel’s Broiler for dinner, but I suggested we meet for drinks instead.  A few minutes after I arrived and sat down at his table the hostess brought over a long-stemmed yellow rose in a vase.  I looked around to see if the hostesses were putting roses on all the tables and thought it was odd they’d place long-stem roses.  The only rose was the one on our table.  I thank him for the gesture and explained my initial confusion.

A few minutes later, he pulls out a travel brochure for the Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Festival.  (He had asked me if I had any recent trips planned or if there was anywhere I wanted to go and I mentioned a hot air balloon festival in Walla Walla, WA.)  He presents the brochure to me and tells me this is the hot air balloon festival to go to if I were to go to one.  He then says that he would plan out our trip – arrive Thursday because the activities really start Friday during the day.  (Keep in mind that this is our first meeting and we’d only exchanged a handful of emails.)

I was a little put-back by the suggestion of a weekend getaway when we didn’t even know each other, but somewhat laughed it off.  Then he produced a second brochure; this time for a cruise to Greece!  (Again, this is our FIRST meeting!)  He flips a few pages into the brochure and points to the cruise he suggests we take and then starts to rattle off dates in late August; it’s now only early-May!

Next, he produces a business card for a travel agent he met with that afternoon to get information on the hot air balloon festival and Greek cruise.  It was all way too much for me.

He did confess that the travel agent asked how long we had known each other and that she laughed when he said this was our first meeting.  He also met with a business partner prior to my arrival and his business partner saw the travel brochures and asked about them.  When his business partner learned this was our first meeting he too laughed and strongly suggested
keeping the travel brochures for another date in the future.

It was all just too much to take in and process – especially when there was no romantic chemistry to begin with.  I think the over-zealous nature with the travel brochures would have killed any potential chemistry.

I thanked him for his consideration and invested effort, but said I couldn’t agree to either trip and reminded him that this was a first meeting.

Somehow the conversation transitioned to what I did for a living and he offered me a job running a company he wanted to spin off.  It all felt a little too needy, enthusiastic or obsessed.

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I’m behind on blog posts and dating stories, and apologize for the delay in posting this first meeting story. I still laugh when I recall the encounter; hope you do too.

I met an online match in-person for and early happy hour on New Year’s Eve. I can’t complain his online profile contained old pictures, but pictures can’t predict if you will or won’t have a physical attraction. In this instance, I didn’t.

Anyway, he arrived a few minutes before I did and was already more than halfway through his first beer by the time I sat down. I had plans to go out later in the evening to celebrate New Year’s Eve and didn’t feel like drinking. I ordered water and a soda instead. Not very “sophisticated,” but as you will learn sophistication wasn’t needed.

I can’t recall what we talked about, do clearly remember how he would spit while talking and a facial twitch. (Luckily, I dodge the spit and the twitch wasn’t contagious.) I was barely present mentally as he ordered beer #2, #3 and #4. (Let me clarify I wasn’t out with a 20-or 30-something guy. This man was in his late 40s and had a “professional” career.)

I sat thinking of how to gracefully exit, but my verbal abilities and backbone were very weak this particular day. After an hour I finally spoke up and said I needed to leave and get ready for my evening plans.

There was no doubt as I left this was not a good match. I was sure within 15 minutes of meeting. In fact, there were so many red flags it was like a bat cave going off in my head.

The next day I received an email from this guy thanking me for my time but saying we weren’t a good match because I couldn’t keep up with his drinking. What???? Really???? Here I was thinking his level of drinking might be a sign of alcoholism; but no, it’s me.

To “Happy Hour Guy” … thank you for taking the initiative. Thank you for being so comfortable with your addiction you didn’t hide or temper your drinking. Good luck with your search and your liver.

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I met a guy this past weekend who I had been emailing and texting for months. I realize if you are texting and emailing for months without meeting there’s probably not a sincere interest, but decided to explore and see what would happen. So we met.

BUST!!!!

Again, the guy’s profile picture was old and about 40lb lighter than what he currently weighs.

I completely get being self-conscious, but if meeting someone you can’t hide what you look like. The best strategy is to be honest. Yes, you might meet fewer people in person but the people you do meet will be interested in you for you.

It’s a red flag for me when people post outdated profile pictures. If you can’t be honest now, can you be honest in difficult situations? If you are so insecure in yourself, are you looking for someone to make you feel whole or better about yourself? No one can make you complete or truly happy. You have to be happy yourself first.

This sounds harsh, but my first thought when I meet someone who doesn’t look like their profile pics is that I have wasted my time. Unless you bedazzle me with your personality or we have crazy chemistry, it’s a deal-breaker for me.

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I know the title sounds shallow, but looks do matter to a degree. I don’t think looks are everything, but there should be some physical attraction.

Sometimes very small physical features can turn me off. For example, I am not that tall, but generally am attracted to tall men. I have started to date men who are shorter, but admit I can’t date a guy under 5’7”. (My height with heels on.) There was also another time when a guy I was with had oddly stubby fingers and hands not in proportion with his body. I didn’t like the thought of holding hands or being touched by him. Definitely not a good feeling when looking for romantic relationship.

Most recently I had a first meeting with a guy I met online through the dating site I belong to. The guy was somewhat attractive in his pictures and we had good phone conversations. Meeting in person became a deal-breaker.

I am very much attracted to nice teeth and know this is not something I can compromise on. The guy I just met had severe fluoride stains on his teeth and also had a significant snaggle tooth. His snaggle tooth protruded sideways and even peaked out a bit when his lips were closed. I knew within minutes those were deal-breakers and cut short the meeting after about 20 minutes. I didn’t tell the guy why I didn’t feel attracted to him, but instead said I didn’t think we had chemistry. (It helped that we had opposite personalities, likes and dislikes.)

Balding and gray hair do not bother me, but I am not a fan of mustaches or beards. Goatees are a different category. Some guys can pull them off and others can’t. An unkempt beard is not attractive. Excessive body hair, all over back or stomach and really thick, isn’t attractive either. Plus, shedding leaves hairs all over the place.

It would be interesting to hear some of the physical traits that turn guys off. (I know weight usually makes the list.)

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I used to think it wasn’t fair to judge anyone based upon some of their friends, but I have learned someone’s friends are a reflection of the person. There may be a wild friend or two, or even one you strongly dislike, but the overall pattern of friends is important.

I went out on a date Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, with the intention of meeting several of my date’s friends and his sister. I was a bit intimidated by the prospect of meeting his friends and family given we have only gone on a few dates. There was also reservation because I feel there is more of a friendship between us rather than a romantic connection.

The night started out okay and I met his sister and a few extended friends. As the evening progressed more of his friends arrived and many became drunk. This was the turning point for the evening.

One of his close friends was exceptionally drunk and obnoxious. He wandered through the bar area of the restaurant starting conversations with strangers that soon turned into arguments. As the restaurant closed down and the bar activity picked up, the situation continued downhill. I’ll refer to him as “drunken guy”.

There were several women, not part of our group, who were also drunk and for some reason this night the drunks were drawn to one another. At some point, drunken guy begins arguing with some random woman who ends up joining our booth. I’ll refer to her as “drunken girl 1”. As soon as drunken girl 1 sits down she begins berating a few of the people we were with. I don’t know what she said, but all of a sudden another girl in our party who wasn’t drinking, I’ll refer to her as fighting girl, jumps up in the booth and starts yelling at drunken girl 1. The two girls began yelling back and forth threatening to fight the other. Drunken girl 1 is then escorted out by restaurant/bar staff. I thought that was the end until the other girl follows her out.

I was stunned. This is behavior you see in high school and maybe college, but not by people in their late 20s and 30s.

Drunken guy then brings over drunken girl 2. I don’t know how old she was, but easily in her early 20s. She was so drunk she was falling sideways out of the booth. Again, I don’t know what words were exchanged, but fighting girl was back up again shouting about “kicking ass” combined with a slew of other derogatory references.

Throughout this time, drunken guy is hitting on me and another friend of my date begins rubbing my thigh while I am sitting in the booth next to him. I distance myself from both of them. All this time my date is invisible and I have no idea where he is. In fact, it didn’t feel like a date at all.

The night was chaotic … perhaps psychotic. I left with my mind whirling and wondering if the night’s events really happened. It was all surreal.

I did realize I don’t want to invite or allow this drama into my life. I also realize I don’t want to invest my emotion in someone who is okay with this level of drama in his life. We are a reflection of those we surround ourselves with.

So now I have to have “the talk” and express my non-desire to pursue a relationship with my date from this night. I don’t think I even want to pursue a friendship because I don’t want to get sucked into the negativity and immaturity.

Just another Tornado Date to add to my list!

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Love at first is exciting and blinding—to the past as well as to the future. But that’s because it’s not really love; it’s lust. Real love consists of negotiating crises together, nurturing the partnership, and feeling safe amid the ups and downs.

Great questions to ask yourself:

1.    The most difficult feelings for me to show are __________________________.

2.    I don’t show people I’m ______ because I’m frightened that _____.

Why did I include the above? Because … we all hold on to fears and non-beneficial ideals that hinder us in our pursuit of happiness and joyous moments.

Ideals make us believe perfection is only achieved when there are no flaws instead of realizing flaws are a component of perfection. False ideals lend us to believe we need to consume more and devalue our experiences.

Fears also hinder our experiences and perspectives. Fear of failing, fear of judgment, fear of heart-break … fear is endless if you allow it to be.

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