Archive for November, 2009

I used to think it wasn’t fair to judge anyone based upon some of their friends, but I have learned someone’s friends are a reflection of the person. There may be a wild friend or two, or even one you strongly dislike, but the overall pattern of friends is important.

I went out on a date Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, with the intention of meeting several of my date’s friends and his sister. I was a bit intimidated by the prospect of meeting his friends and family given we have only gone on a few dates. There was also reservation because I feel there is more of a friendship between us rather than a romantic connection.

The night started out okay and I met his sister and a few extended friends. As the evening progressed more of his friends arrived and many became drunk. This was the turning point for the evening.

One of his close friends was exceptionally drunk and obnoxious. He wandered through the bar area of the restaurant starting conversations with strangers that soon turned into arguments. As the restaurant closed down and the bar activity picked up, the situation continued downhill. I’ll refer to him as “drunken guy”.

There were several women, not part of our group, who were also drunk and for some reason this night the drunks were drawn to one another. At some point, drunken guy begins arguing with some random woman who ends up joining our booth. I’ll refer to her as “drunken girl 1”. As soon as drunken girl 1 sits down she begins berating a few of the people we were with. I don’t know what she said, but all of a sudden another girl in our party who wasn’t drinking, I’ll refer to her as fighting girl, jumps up in the booth and starts yelling at drunken girl 1. The two girls began yelling back and forth threatening to fight the other. Drunken girl 1 is then escorted out by restaurant/bar staff. I thought that was the end until the other girl follows her out.

I was stunned. This is behavior you see in high school and maybe college, but not by people in their late 20s and 30s.

Drunken guy then brings over drunken girl 2. I don’t know how old she was, but easily in her early 20s. She was so drunk she was falling sideways out of the booth. Again, I don’t know what words were exchanged, but fighting girl was back up again shouting about “kicking ass” combined with a slew of other derogatory references.

Throughout this time, drunken guy is hitting on me and another friend of my date begins rubbing my thigh while I am sitting in the booth next to him. I distance myself from both of them. All this time my date is invisible and I have no idea where he is. In fact, it didn’t feel like a date at all.

The night was chaotic … perhaps psychotic. I left with my mind whirling and wondering if the night’s events really happened. It was all surreal.

I did realize I don’t want to invite or allow this drama into my life. I also realize I don’t want to invest my emotion in someone who is okay with this level of drama in his life. We are a reflection of those we surround ourselves with.

So now I have to have “the talk” and express my non-desire to pursue a relationship with my date from this night. I don’t think I even want to pursue a friendship because I don’t want to get sucked into the negativity and immaturity.

Just another Tornado Date to add to my list!

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I’ve heard the “Dating Rule of 3.”  No, not going on threesome date or dating three people at a time.  Instead, it suggests you wait until the third date to kiss and then three months until you have sex.

Really?  Should you be so structured?  I agree you shouldn’t just jump into physical affection and intimacy, but don’t agree you can schedule it according to a calendar.

Dating someone new is awkward and it takes time to get to know one another.  At first both people generally have their personal space defined and are very aware of how they are presenting themselves – what they are saying and how they are behaving.  (Most people, not all.) 

The initial dates tend to be more analytical and calculated as you feel each other out and uncover likes, dislikes, similarities and differences.  Of course there is a mix of flirtation included too if you like the person.

Flirtation can be subtle or can hit you over the head like a caveman with a club.  Subtle flirtation includes mirroring the other person’s body movements, light innuendo, smiles, eye contact and respectful touching such as holding your date’s hand.

How can you break the ice and close or lessen personal space?  If talking about a book you are reading, go sit by your date and reference a particular section where you must read it together.  If at a casual restaurant or coffee shop, doodle on paper napkins together or even pass short notes back and forth.  Guys can even compliment a bracelet a woman is wearing and holding her arm/hand to get a better look.

If sitting at a bar, and you have been talking for a while, turn into your date and allow the tips or your knees to touch or put your foot on the rung of your date’s bar stool.  Watch how soon before one of you touches the other’s leg – just don’t grope.  Keep is short and simple.

It’s amazing how being close intensifies attraction.  Just pay attention to signals from your date to ensure the attraction is mutual.  You don’t want to be written off as a weirdo because you crossed into personal space unwantedly.

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I met an online match for coffee the other day. We had exchanged emails and talked on the phone twice. There appeared to be enough similar interests to agree to a short first meeting. (Boy, am I glad it was intended to be short!)

The guy lives between here and Italy and is an Accountant or CPA. He seemed intelligent and had a passion for the Italian culture. So, we agree to meet at a local Starbucks.

We talk about traveling as we both share this passion and conversation transitions to cultural differences. I bring up a story of catching a pick-pocket trying to steal my wallet while in Spain and he says it was probably a Romanian. He continues to talk about how since Romania is now part of the EU, there are few to none travel restrictions and so Romanians are increasing crime rates in areas where they are migrating to.

I listen and am not sure what to say. He really wasn’t interested in a comment from me and continued to talk about how immigrants increase crime and are filthy because they are poor. Hmmm … poor doesn’t mean someone is a bad person or even a dirty person. Poor doesn’t categorize anyone as a criminal either – except to this guy I was with.

He continues on to talk about Muslims and how they are religious arrogant and disrespectful to the Catholic religion within Italy. I argue that the Vatican is separate from Italy and everyone should have religious freedom. He makes a blanket statement all Muslims are terrorists and all Muslim women are abused. Again, I argue against this and say extremists of all religion should become the “face” of their religion and that all religions have extremists – there are even Christian extremist.

I tell him that I don’t share his beliefs, am going to head out and this is a deal-breaker for me. He responds with surprise and asks how my views differ and that it’s good to talk about this and get different perspectives.

I explain I don’t believe all people of any religion or ethnicity are bad – Muslims or others. I also express concern how organized religion can often create a divide among people. He then tells me he has several Muslims friends whom he didn’t know were Muslims for years because they didn’t preach their religion and one guy’s wife didn’t wear a burka. My comment to him was he accepting of a Muslim when he isn’t aware they are Muslim and is a prejudice.

His conversation then turned to non-religious immigrants with a focus on Africans attempting to enter Italy illegally by boat. He actually said “I don’t think they should be killed or their boat shot down, but don’t let them in the country.”

After hearing this I stood up, restated this is a deal-breaker for me and the conversation is not one I condone or want to continue. He attempts to re-engage in conversation as I put on my coat and I reiterate my intention to leave.

I left all fired up, frustrated and irritated. It’s amazing how self-centered and hardened people can be towards others. Also, if this is what he reveals during a short first meeting I can’t even begin to imagine what other prejudice/racist beliefs he has. I’m grateful I have the sensibility to say these beliefs are not right and I don’t have to endure listening to them.

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I read a recent article giving advice to guys on how to get a girl I n bed – often when first meeting.  The essence of the story was to create the “boyfriend situation” where the girl feels comfortable and an intimate connection is made.

The article recommended breaking the physical boundary by telling the girl to close her eyes and pretending to wipe something away from her eye.  It also suggests to follow-up later on with pretending to wipe something off her cheek or, even better, her bottom lip.  The article explains the bottom lip is an erogenous zone and by touching a woman’s bottom lip you are both breaking the physical barrier and providing subtle sexual stimulation.

I agree to an extent.  Touching someone’s lip is an intimate action and lips are an erogenous zone.  I disagree this is good advice.  I do agree breaking the physical barrier is an indication of attraction and interest, but doing so too early isn’t a good idea.  I would most likely think a guy was creepy or violated my personal space if he touched my lips.  This would most likely result in a TornadoDating.com blog post.

Touching my cheek is less of an offense.  There are other areas where premature touching is unsettling and this includes the sides of my waist, back of my head and high up on my rib cage.  I doubt I captured it all, but I think you get the idea.

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So much is made of dates and getting to first base or second base or even hitting a “home run.”  If I have to explain what any of that means, we have a longer discussion ahead of us.  Anyway, a lot is made of making progress on a date.  However, what if you’re in the situation of purposely tanking your performance to avoid a romantic outing?  Why in the heck would anyone do that? (more…)

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A strong sense of attraction can actually be a negative. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but in my experience I have made several mistakes because of strong chemistry and/or attraction. These mistakes include ignore or rationalizing red flags, getting intimate too soon, creating a false sense of security and believing all else will fall into place because it feels good.

Seriously, I have ignored red flags even when it sounds like a bat cave going off in my head. (Most likely a contributing factor to my Tornado Dating.) Lust is very different from “like”. I would even argue lust has nothing to do with liking the person and more to do with pheromones and hormones.

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I was out last night with Divorcing-Guy, who is now officially divorced. Let me reiterate we are only friends and I have clearly stated my position of not dating to him; however, I do think he has hopes it will evolve to dating.

We went out to dinner and caught up. He talked about the girls he is dating and some of the dates I have been on. He asked me over for Thanksgiving, which I declined. At the end of the evening it felt and looked as though he was going to kiss me. I didn’t quite know what to do and ended up doing some crazy head sway until we got to a clear good-bye hug.

So what is the process to avoid a kiss? Do you step back or go with the head bob until the moment has passed?

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I am definitely looking for opinions on this Tornado Dating experience!!!!!

I went out on a first date with a guy I met through an online dating site. We met up to shoot pool at a local bar. Very soon after my arrival I was a bit put-off because the guy was very boisterous about money and how “grand” he was. I chalk it up to first date nerves and decide to take it all in stride until he starts trashing another girl in the bar.

Some random girl walks up to us and says hi. She says she is waiting to meet some girlfriends and is completely drunk. As she walks away, the guy I just met calls her a crack whore. Although I don’t know her, I find this rude and not acceptable. I tell my date his comment wasn’t nice but decide to continue with the date.

We shoot pool for a bit longer and then head out to grab something to eat. Our conversation turns to our families and I describe my mom’s side of the family as southern. My date then asks if my family ever owned slaves. (This is probably a good time to mention my date was a black African American.) I’m a bit taken back and say I don’t believe they owned slaves, but it could be possible. He then asks if I feel guilty about slavery. (Really??? Did you just ask me that?) I reply that I have never owned a slave and therefore don’t feel guilty about it. I do say I think slavery is a travesty, but many nations have to go through such tragedies in order to determine their “foundations” and moral boundaries. I believe these historic event, regardless of how inhume and unjust, do help nations find their humanity; however, I don’t feel guilty.

My date replies that he is still waiting for his reparation check.

For me, the date essentially ended with that conversation. It’s not first date appropriate. Either you are okay dating different races and ethnicities or not.

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A very good friend of mine forwarded the below link/audio file about a guy calling a woman he met in a bar or club. The guy is arrogant to say the least and probably a bit off-kilter too, but it definitely fits with the tone and content of this blog.

Over-confident or Psycho … you decide.

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I think I am dating simply to avoid loneliness. Ironically, dating is adding to my loneliness. I am dating someone I am not highly compatible with and I notice the effects on my self-esteem when we are together and a lingering effect afterward. I know I should end the relationship, but there’s some comfort in knowing there is someone there – even if metaphorically. (I don’t see myself calling this person in the event of a physical or emotional emergency.)

I would like to blame the upcoming holidays or the change in season for my emotions, but when honest with myself, I know they are only small contributors. All that is needed are baby steps to gain momentum and initiate change. Unfortunately, those baby steps seem so demanding of time and effort. This is where magic powers would be greatly appreciated. I could snap my fingers and poof, everything is different … easier, better and more fun.

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