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Archive for the ‘Dating Rules’ Category

This is a brief post where I rant about flakey behavior. I’m not a needy person and I’m not demanding either, but I do think you should treat people with respect and consideration. I get that things happen and “life” can get in the way sometimes. Sometimes plans have to be changed because you just can’t make them. It isn’t a big deal until there’s a strong recurring pattern of not showing up and making excuses.

I used to accept a string of excuses and explain away flakey behavior. (Notice the past tense there?) No more. We all deserve equal consideration. There is no one out there that is so great that their needs always trump everyone else’s.

So, to the self-absorbed, self-important, self-centered or those who are simply unaware, we’re not a match. I don’t want to waste my time waiting when I could be spending it laughing and making great memories with people I care about and who care about me.

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I’m trying not to get too far ahead of myself and to remember “the basics”. The basics include believing I am worthy of love and learning to trust in order to love authentically again. I often find myself going through the motions I know are expected of me. It’s an odd thing to question your motive and feelings. After a while you simply become disconnected and numb.

Here are a few reminders I am working on:

  • I am worthy of healthy love. Although not perfect, I have a lot to offer a partner including emotional support, humor and loyalty.
  • I can only guard my heart so much before I miss out on life experiences. I have to take a chance if I want to experience something wonderful
  • Others are responsible for protecting their heart. I will move forward with honesty and sincerity, but it’s up to my potential partner to express their needs and wants.
  • I can only control how I react to situations. I’ve learned you only know so much about a person. If they want to hide something they can and the only way for you to find out it to play private detective. I don’t intend to be with anyone I have to spy on. Honesty is too important to me. I also need to appreciate the small day-to-day joys that occur and leave the non-stop worrying behind.
  • I can allow myself to be sad, but I can’t allow myself to wallow in sadness.
  • Sometimes you just have to proceed with life regardless of if you have any control or not over what happens next.
  • The above are struggles for me – some I struggle with more than others. I sometimes wonder how other people make it look so easy and then I remind myself that they were either taught healthy coping skills or learned those skills themselves. I can learn these skills too, but it takes time and practice. I won’t nail everything out of the gate, but as long as I continue to try, acknowledge when I fall short of my goals and forgive myself when I fall short of my goals, I will be just fine.

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    I came across a site listing 112 Wedding Crasher Rules.  In reading these rules I recognized many applied to dating.  I’ve listed out the rules I believe apply and added some context and commentary

    The Rules (A few of the 112 Rules)

    • Rule #5 – Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher. 
      TD: If you surround yourself with positive and emotionally healthy friends, don’t let someone you are dating come between you and your friends.  You may not spend as much time with your friends as you once did, but you should make the effort to keep those friendships going.
    • Rule #6 – Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.  TD: Fun and happy people are attractive.  Get out and have fun and you might be surprised how many people approach you!
    • Rule #7 – Blend in by standing out.  TD: Use caution here … You don’t want to stand out so much you appear psychotic; just enough to catch someone’s eye.
    • Rule #8 – Be the life of the party.  TD: Again, use caution here. Coming across as a gregarious person is great, but you don’t want to come off as frat-boy or party-girl.
    • Rule #11 – Sensitive is good.  TD: Being sensitive doesn’t mean crying for a female or coming across as wimpy for a male.  It means paying attention to your date and being aware.  If unsure, ask; asking is also a sign of consideration.
    • Rule #18 – You love animals and children.  TD: Compassion for others is good – people and pets. 
    • Rule #20 – Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.  TD: It’s important to maintain your own life and interest even when in a serious relationship.  I’m not saying create an excuse or lie to avoid your partner, but time away from each other can actually enrich the relationship.  Also, if meeting for the first time, keeping a time limit can be beneficial.  It allows you to decide if you would like to get to know the person better and provides an out if you don’t.
    • Rule #21 – Definitely make sure she’s 18.  TD: Legal age is obviously important.  I would even extend this to age differences and what is age-appropriate for you.  Do you have common interests?  Does conversation come naturally and easily?  If so, an age difference, when person is legal and consenting adult, may not matter.  Consider the person and not the age.
    • Rule #25 – You understand she heard that but that’s not what you meant.  TD: Communication is huge.  You may not always agree, but understanding the other point of view is important.
    • Rule #27 – Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.  TD: Drinking isn’t necessarily bad, but when you drink excessively or become a sloppy drinker, it’s a turn-off.  Drinking too much lessens awareness and you are more likely to say or do something you wouldn’t if sober.
    • Rule #29 – Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.  TD: When dating or in a relationship you don’t want to lose yourself, but you are forming a team of two  (more if you have kids).  It’s important to know you both will be there for the other.  Also knowing strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes can help you divvy up daily must-do’s.
    • Rule #37 – At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.  TD: This rule ties in with Rule #27.  You can’t make good decisions wen drunk.
    • Rule #39 – The way to a woman’s bed is through the dance floor.  TD: I am going to remove the sexual intention from this Rule and instead emphasize dancing is a great way to build intimacy and connection – especially slow dancing.  If dancing to club music, dancing provides an opportunity to have fun while getting to know one another.  I would caution men not to become octopus-man and have his hands all over the girl he’s dancing with. 
    • Rule #40 – Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”  TD: I interpret this rule as being kind and considerate.  Nice guys can finish first.
    • Rule #42 – Try not to break anything, unless you’re not having fun.  TD: I am going to take some creative license with this one … if you aren’t having fun, end the date or the relationship.  This doesn’t mean break it off at the first disagreement, but an unhealthy relationship is one worth leaving.
    • Rule #66 – Smile! You’re having the time of your life.  TD: Smiling is important and attractive.  A person smiling is much more approachable than someone who isn’t.  If there is someone you are interested in, make eye contact and smile.  Try it a few times and you’ll be able to see if the other person is interested in you.
    • Rule #67 – Mix it up a little. You can’t always be the man with the haunted past.  TD: Don’t dwell on the negative and highlight various interests.  Few people are looking for a couch potato.
    • Rule #72 – Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints – small cost, big yield.  TD: Bad breathe, and bad body odor, are turn-offs! 
    • Rule #73 – No excuses. Party like a champion.  TD: Life will pass you by unless you live it.  We all have been hurt and need some time to heal, but at some point you have to stop the excuses and get out there. 
    • Rule #77 – Carry extra protection.  TD: Be mature and responsible in your relationships.  Carry condoms.  Don’t drive if drunk.
    • Rule #80 – Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.  TD: Again, live life.  Sometimes this means slowing down to appreciate the smaller joys in life we take for granted.  Take a look around you and appreciate what’s there.  If it isn’t working, listen to you inner voice and either work to fix it or leave it.
    • Rule #81 – Occasionally bring a gift – you’re getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.  TD: Showing appreciation can be done in many ways.  Yes, you can give flowers, but sometimes a compliment is even more powerful.
    • Rule #82 – Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.  TD: I interpret this as knowing what you want out of a relationship or potential partner, but not getting caught-up in a romantic fairy tale.  Keep your expectations real and grounded.
    • Rule #86 – Shoes say a lot about the man.  TD: How you present yourself is important.  We all don’t have money to dress in designer clothes, but we can iron a shirt rather than wear it wrinkled or comb our hair rather than keep it a mess.
    • Rule #96 – Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned. It’s sexy.  TD: This is huge for me!!!!!  Manners are important.  I don’t need to see what you are eating when you are talking.  Yes, I can open a door, but’s it’s nice when you offer.  This goes for both men and women.
    • Rule #99 – Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.  TD: This ties in with Rule #72.  Don’t bathe in cologne to mask other odors.
    • Rule #104 – Be well groomed and well-mannered.  TD: Rules #86 & #96 are similar.  You can still be fun, energetic and youthful while maintaining manners and good hygiene.
    • Rule #107 – Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating.  TD: Refer to Rule #80.
    • Rule #108 – Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.  TD: Refer to Rules #39 & #40.

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