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Archive for February, 2010

And the “Tim Story” continues …

Tim and I have been talking for hours every night as well as emailing and texting during the day. Although it doesn’t feel like the crazy honeymoon phase most relationships have, I’m sure there is some element there.
We made plans for him to come up to visit the weekend of 2/5 and seemed eons away. It’s less than two weeks and easily manageable, but the desire to spent time with him is/was significant. Instead, we decided to “meet in the middle” with each of us driving half the distance between Portland and Seattle. (I will admit I got the crappier end of traffic both coming and going, but can’t extend my complaining beyond this one sentence!)

I felt a bit of nerves as I walked up to the restaurant where we were meeting. My nerves were quickly eased by his huge welcoming hug and equally big smile. Dinner was prolonged by our conversation and I enjoyed every minute of it. I was surprised by our level of disclosure, once again, and with the vulnerability Tim expressed. Although divorced about the same time, he was concerned I would question his readiness for a relationship given he hasn’t dated as much as I have. My counter argument is he didn’t have as many personal issues to work out or a blog to incentivize the effort of dating.

The restaurant was part of a local hotel and we decided to get a room and stay the night. We were both tired, not looking forward to the 90+ minute drive back and didn’t want the evening to end. The hotel was similar to an old western inn or even some European hotels where the bathrooms are communal. Neither of us expected shared bath rooms. Also unexpected where the random quotes written on the walls of our room. One quote was accompanied by a painted portrait of a 70-year-old woman. She stared down at the bed and reminded us of a scolding grandmother or even disapproving nun.

We had agreed not to have sex until we both could get tested. Neither of us has a risky background, but it’s definitely the safe thing to do. It really wasn’t an awkward conversation; and if you can’t talk about sex you shouldn’t have sex.

The night was extremely intimate with a lot of kissing, holding, laughs, random conversations and deeper conversations. Much of the evening was punctuated by noisy trains passing by and random animal noises from people outside the building. (We didn’t look outside the window to see who was actually making the animal noises or why.) Finally, around 3 a.m. we fell into fragmented sleep – thanks to the trains. We had to wake up around 5:30 to get ready and begin our treks to work. Needless to say I am exhausted, but it was worth it.

I have no idea what this is turning into and am okay with that. There’s no agenda or timeline. I’m simply enjoying the experience.

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I recently wrote about meeting Tim, the friend of a good friend, and needed to process conversations and emotions. What better way to do that than writing them all down and publishing them for anyone to read?
Although Tim and I just met, there is strong interest and attraction that makes me nervous and excited all at the same time. In fact, I’ve had a few revelations.

I know I put up emotional walls at times to prevent myself from getting hurt or minimize how deeply I get hurt. I also realize the thought of a true relationship with deeply connected emotions scares the hell out of me. Tim’s also a nice guy. (The last two actually meld together.)

Everyone has heard how women like bad boys. With me, right now, it’s being scared of becoming deeply attached. I have a mixed family history and realize those closest to you can hurt you the deepest. It’s hard to erase the memory of those wounds or the instinctual protection mechanism of pulling back or creating distance. With “bad boys” you often know the limitations of the relationship and I guess in some ways you minimize your hopes so you aren’t disappointed. (Twisted logic.)

There’s high probability of developing feelings for Tim because he is nice, he tries and he has a great sense of humor. He’s aware, considerate, disclosing and complimentary. He’s also honest and willing to talk about difficult topics. I’ve known him for less than a week and it’s already the most mature relationship I have had with a man.

I think I really like this guy. I still don’t trust my judgment and wonder how I could like someone so quickly. We don’t live close to one another, about 2-3 hours depending on mode of transportation, and this presents unique challenges and benefits. It would provide distance and personal space and force us to focus on good communication, but wouldn’t be able to see each other whenever we wanted.

I know I have to take a chance if I want to experience the wonderful possibilities. Logically, I know none of this will kill me – investing in a relationship or the heart-break if it doesn’t work out. Oddly enough, I’m not scared and am more bewildered about why I am not.

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