Archive for October, 2009

I don’t even know where to begin with this post. I’ve gone out on a few dates with the 34-year old 13-year old and have just confirmed we are not compatible. It’s good to have an absolute position but it creates an interesting situation.

The story first … 34-year old invites me out to dinner with him, a good friend he worked with years ago and his friend’s wife. (We had already spent the last few evenings hanging out and this was their last evening in town.) We didn’t want to go somewhere mellow and decided on The Cheesecake Factory. At the end of the meal we asked our server for a box to take the left-overs home. (I would like to say I am good about eating left overs, but I often forget about them.)

The server says she can only take one dish because she has cleared the table and is holding several other dishes in her other hand. She jokes she needs to grow an extra arm or two and asks if she should grow them from her back or from her sides. (Weird conversation, but stick with me.) 34-year old leans toward the waitress and reaches out toward her breasts saying he could show her. (Honest!)

I couldn’t believe he did that. I don’t care about the respect or disrespect it shows for me. It’s more about his disrespect and lack of awareness for others. I immediately told him he his actions were rude and offensive and he acted surprised. His first reaction was to laugh it off but them he asked me about it again. I reiterated my opinion and pointed out how a different waitress was now cashing us out. His friend joked about him being served a sexual harassment complaint as a customer versus a co-worker.

I’m still shocked when I think back to this.

Here’s where it gets complicated … he invited himself along to a Halloween party. He mentioned he was going to a Halloween party/show and I said I was going to the same one and had already purchased my ticket. The day he bought his he emailed letting me know. A few days later we were talking about the event and I asked who he was going with. His answer was me. I asked about his friends he mentioned might be going and he said they still might be, but he didn’t know.

Now I feel obligated to stall my exit until after the Halloween party. I know I should just end things now, but I am a wimpy marshmallow!

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I am in a bit of a dating funk. I am not interested or emotionally invested in anyone I have met so far and miss the anticipation and excitement of liking someone. Dating feels like an obligatory action right now. I have had many first dates, but very few second dates. I don’t mind meeting someone and finding a platonic connection versus a romantic connection, but instead I am not finding any connection at all. I don’t always believe chemistry is instant; sometimes it develops slowly. Do I give in and go out with men I am not feeling an attraction to?

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I struggle! I somewhat know what I want in a partner, but see myself struggling with those around or available. Do I settle or hold out? Is a “for now” boyfriend enough or do I need a relationship with a future?

I don’t think my “My haves” are that extreme or out of the ordinary. In fact, I think my must haves are pretty realistic, but I know I haven’t met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. So … Do I settle for a sexual and somewhat superficial relationship or do I become accustom to being alone? I don’t know I am strong enough for either. I do know I want to fall in love and be loved, but I question my capability to love. Is it the people I am with or my limitations? I honestly don’t know.

I know I have to experience additional heartbreak in order to find the person I am looking for. In some ways I am ready, but in others I am not. Again, how do you balance?

Spending the rest of my life alone is something I know won’t happen, but I don’t know when, where or how I will meet my significant other.

I hesitate to say soul mate. Does this exist? Is my skepticism a defense mechanism? I don’t know. There are hopes, fantasies, movie story-lines and reality. I’m not in a place to fully distinguish between these.

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I stink at breaking up and thought I would share the below guidelines/thoughts.

  1. Just Do it – There’s never a perfect time to break-up. Postponing the inevitable isn’t doing you or he/she a favor. Let everyone move on with their life.
  2. Make It Fast – The longer you take to get to the point the more the point is lost and the less he/she will take you seriously.
  3. Be Honest – Don’t lie or sugarcoat the situation. Don’t say “It’s me and not you” and instead say your feelings have changed. You aren’t blaming him/her and it isn’t really something they can argue. Your feelings belong to you.
  4. Don’t Fall Into Guilt Trap – This is important because it doesn’t mean you can’t empathize with him/her, but guilt is not a reason to stay with anyone. Guilt is often used to manipulate and control. Happiness and love are not created out of guilt.
  5. Avoid the Hamster Wheel – Don’t fall into a cycle of breaking-up and getting back together. The hassle and drama isn’t generally worth it.
  6. Set Boundaries or Post-Breakup Rules – Can you really be friends? Is he/her friend worthy? If you are breaking up because you can’t trust your partner or he/she treats you badly, do you want that sort of friend?
  7. Pick Neutral Ground – Select neutral ground for this conversation. If you invite him/her over to your place you are somewhat trapped unless you ask him/her to leave. Have the conversation in person. Text and email isn’t fair or respectful to the other person. Of course, if you have only gone out on a few dates without any intimacy, email can work.

It’s hard to break up with someone and we often feel bad about it. I try to remind myself everyone is essentially looking for a partner who genuinely loves them. Staying in a relationship when you aren’t feeling it and misleading the other person isn’t fair to either of you.

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I should start off in saying the guy wasn’t really dead although he said he might be. Stick with me for a bit and I will explain.

This is a guy I met through the online dating site I joined. We emailed and even talked on the phone a few times before deciding to meet at an upcoming concert. In talking with him he seemed positive, various interests, educated and fun. Unfortunately, I have realized you can appear to be all these things in an email or on the phone. You only experience the true essence of a person when you spend time with them.

Anyway, we met up downtown an hour before the concert was scheduled to begin. He had told me he had let his hair grow out a bit and had a goatee. (Or is it gotee?) What’s the worse this could translate into, that he would look like a mountain man? Unfortunately, he looked like he could be Charles Manson’s brother. His build was slighter than his online profile showed and he wasn’t truthful about his height. I’m not tall, and generally with heels, I am still shorter than the men I have dated. I was taller than this guy – a first ever. Physical attraction wasn’t there, but I figured we could still have a good time and get to know one another.

He talked for at least 30 minutes non-stop about flying and the mechanics of flying; how these are reversed or opposite when flying upside down; and how he won’t fly if he feels something is amiss. In fact, there are times he won’t go out if he feels a bad vibe. I didn’t really balk at this knowledge, but it was a bit of a red flag.

We began talking about positivity and mental attitude and agreed a positive attitude can do wonders. We talked about how you can help yourself heal and be healthy by having a positive attitude. I made a point to clarify my belief you couldn’t grow back an arm just with positive thoughts, but it can help you fight a disease. He disagreed with me and said he believed you could grow back an arm.

Hmmm … Ok????

The band started so we went on the dance floor and danced through the first set. During the set-break we got a drink and started another conversation.

The conversation progressed from a positive attitude to deeper topics such as reincarnation and heaven and hell. I said I wasn’t sure if I believed in reincarnation because I don’t remember ever dying and being reborn. I also said I wasn’t sure about heaven or hell. His perspective was much more unusual. He said he believed we die many times within not just our lives, but throughout the day. He said he thought dreams were the result of us dying and then returning to this life we know. The “kicker” came when he said he might be dead right then.

Hmmm … Ok????

So now a series of red flags are going off. I knew earlier on this wasn’t going to be a “love-match,” but figured I’d see if there was a friendship potential. I realized there wasn’t, but didn’t quite have the courage to say so; until his dead comment. That was my turning point. I excused myself and said I needed to go to the restroom. This allowed me a few minutes to build up courage to initiate a conversation about how the date wasn’t going well.

It’s never an easy conversation and there is never a perfect time. So I walked back up to him and told him I was thinking about the evening and how we were relating to one another and that it wasn’t working for me. (I love music and didn’t feel comfortable on the dance floor with him even though we were only dancing side by side and not really with one another. It was too forced on my side to loosen up.) I thanked him for his time and said I was going to head home. It didn’t really register with him and he invited me back onto the dance floor as the band was returning to the stage. I told him I was going to pass on the next set and head home.

I was bummed about the concert, but a bit proud of myself for realizing I wasn’t comfortable and removing myself from the situation.

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I don’t recall where I came across the below but it caught my attention enough for me to copy it and email it to myself.

“In general, men focus on hierarchy and women on connection. I always find it fascinating to go back to studies of how kids talk: Boys use talk to negotiate their status within a group, while girls use talk to negotiate closeness. This difference can cause misunderstandings with apologies, for example. When a man makes some small transgression, his wife might feel that if he’d just say, ‘I’m sorry,’ it would be over. But he won’t, and then you end up arguing about why he won’t apologize. For many women, an apology means, ‘I care that I let you down; I care about you.’ If he doesn’t apologize, it’s like he doesn’t care. But for men, asking for an apology is a demand that he publicly humiliate himself. He thinks apologizing is a sign of weakness, and that you’ll use it against him, because that’s what another man would do. So when you say, ‘Why won’t you apologize?’ he hears, ‘I caught you in an error and I’m going to rub your nose in it.'”

What do you think? True or no?

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There’s a loneliness to being single and a loneliness to be in a relationship that has no foundation. I realize I don’t want a friend with benefits and I don’t want to compromise on issues important to me. I am not looking for Mr. Perfect as I think that is an ideal no one can live up to. Flaws can be charming; they can also drive you crazy. There’s a huge unknown as chemistry definitely plays a part. With online dating you can’t tell if you have chemistry with a person. You can tell if you are compatible, but not if you have chemistry. Compatibility and chemistry are not the same.

What are my must haves?

  • Honest with good character
  • Loves to laugh
  • Mature, but enjoys life
  • Appreciates me as-is
  • Follows through on things started
  • Financially responsible

In summary … I will not date a rag-a-tag muffin – immature, irresponsible, inconsiderate … I may not know these qualities exist or not at first but I’m not willing to accept them. My standards require someone emotionally & psychologically mature, financially responsible, able to communicate or willing to try/improve, & mutual respect minimally.


I came across these three questions a while ago and actually emailed them to myself. I decided to share:

1. Is this person crazy about you? (Dating Contender = yes on at least four of the below)

  • Shows eagerness to see you
  • Reveals reluctance to leave your presence
  • Asks about your life interests
  • Wants to be helpful
  • Is verbally and physically affectionate
  • Desires to be romantic with you
  • Acts like you are very special; rejects opportunities to date others

2. Is this person willing to grow with you? (Dating Contender = yes on at least two of the below)

  • Accepts suggestions/advice well
  • Engages in self-reflection
  • Willing to learn new things with you
  • Takes courses for personal or career growth
  • Meditates/prays or is comfortable with one’s own spirituality

3. Does your date meet the basics? (Dating Contender = yes on at least four of the below)

  • Exhibits reliability, honesty, and altruism
  • Wants a real, committed relationship
  • Agrees with your choice to have, or not have, children
  • Enjoys or pursues careeer success and/or financial independence
  • Understands your religious faith — or your absence of a specific faith
  • Leaves all past romances with anyone else
  • Shows love and support of family and friends
  • Lives close to you

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Love at first is exciting and blinding—to the past as well as to the future. But that’s because it’s not really love; it’s lust. Real love consists of negotiating crises together, nurturing the partnership, and feeling safe amid the ups and downs.

Great questions to ask yourself:

1.    The most difficult feelings for me to show are __________________________.

2.    I don’t show people I’m ______ because I’m frightened that _____.

Why did I include the above? Because … we all hold on to fears and non-beneficial ideals that hinder us in our pursuit of happiness and joyous moments.

Ideals make us believe perfection is only achieved when there are no flaws instead of realizing flaws are a component of perfection. False ideals lend us to believe we need to consume more and devalue our experiences.

Fears also hinder our experiences and perspectives. Fear of failing, fear of judgment, fear of heart-break … fear is endless if you allow it to be.

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I’ve talked about Divorcing Guy needing a transitioning girl or two and I think it is only fair I talk about my transition guy.

I want to very clearly say he was a wonderful person and I will always love and appreciate him. We were very different in so many ways, but clicked in so many others.

Ironically, I met my transition guy while out on a work event. There was a day function that led to a team dinner and then team-building activities. One of those activities was shooting pool. That is where I ran into and met my transition guy. (Because he does mean so much to me, I don’t like referring to him as transition guy, but I also don’t want to identify anyone by name.)

There was a crazy energy match between us almost instantly. We got into a bantering conversation and had many laughs as well. He was funny and very polite. I had to rejoin my work-group so we exchanged numbers and made tentative plans to go out another time.

We went out on a few casual dates and had a blast each time. He was surprisingly considerate and complimentary. (Keep in mind I was in the process of a divorce. I had already severed the marriage logically, but was waiting on the legal confirmation and the emotional processing.) One thing I really appreciated was he not only opened doors for me when we went somewhere, but he also would open my car door for me. I had never had anyone open and close my car door for me. (It felt odd at first.)

He was attempting to start his own massage practice combining massage with Reiki as he was also a Reiki Master. Until his practice was established, he worked as a managing caterer for a high-end hotel/venue in the area. His working hours were crazy and he lived an hour and a half away in average traffic, but we managed to see each other often.

I realized how wonderful he was and how much I cared for him when he planned an outing to see a lunar eclipse. I had brought up the idea of going out away from the city in order to get the best view of the eclipse, but didn’t make any specific plans as to where we would go. I just figured we would drive out somewhere, stay for a bit and drive back. Instead, it was the most authentically romantic gesture.

He ended up picking me up in a pick-up truck, which he had never driven before, and said he packed a few things for us. I didn’t question it and we headed off. We drove out into a more rural area and he begins to “set-up”. He had pulled his guest mattress out of his house and had it in the back of the truck along with blankets and pillows. He also packed a cooler with wine, cheese, crackers and grapes. His idea was we could create a “chaise lounge” and we could enjoy each other’s company and the eclipse. It wasn’t luxurious, but it was an incredibly nice gesture and an amazing night.

A few months later, we went on a road trip to visit a few wineries in the area and our trip and intentions derailed! The first night we went out to dinner and then later to a bar and drank way too much. While speaking with another couple in the bar I said something he misunderstood but hurt him deeply. I was explaining what he did and he thought I was mocking him. I wasn’t.

He worked his ass off. I have never met anyone who worked as hard as he did. It was heart-warming and heart-breaking. His family had a lot of drama and took advantage of him constantly asking for money. He never said no even if it made his life more difficult. It’s a double-fault situation where he felt he could never win though he didn’t really complain about it. The demands from his family made pursuing and achieving his dream of a massage practice much more difficult. Anyway, I digress.

We decided to head back to our hotel room and began to argue on the way home. The argument turned into a heated fight. We should have stopped and waited to talk the next day given we were both drunk, but we didn’t and the situation escalated.

After an hour of yelling I got sick. I don’t handle yelling well at all and though I know alcohol definitely contributed to me getting sick so did the emotional upheaval. He followed me into the bathroom and while still arguing also tended to me rubbing my back and holding my hair.

Then my world abruptly paused. I lost a breath and thought, “holy shit, what now?!?!”

As we were arguing I hear him say he loves me … “Dammit <insert my name>, I love you. I freaking love you, don’t you get that?”

I get sick again and just want to rewind the night. The panic of hearing those words gave me some clarity to not pursue that line of conversation right then and there. I apologized for hurting his feelings and explained how proud I was of him and I was only trying to explain what he did. I wasn’t mocking him and wouldn’t. Eventually, we went to bed.

The next morning I woke up knowing a difficult conversation was ahead. I didn’t know how to initiate the conversation and knew there wasn’t going to be the perfect moment to start the conversation. I inhaled and took a giant leap and brought up his proclamation of love.

I knew he was deeply hurt the night before by misunderstanding my intentions. I also knew where some of the pain in thinking I thought less of him came from. It wasn’t a shock when he brushed off his comments about love. He told me he loves everyone, but the only person he is in love with is himself. It’s a pretty shallow and lame comment, but I understood it was a defensive posturing. I should have pursued the conversation but I didn’t. I chalk it up to being scared and also not knowing how to have these healthy conversations. The conversation was let go and the issue never brought up again. In hindsight, this is when we both put up emotional boundaries. We loved one another without being in love. The perfect dysfunctional but greatly needed relationship.

— Here’s where I struggle about how open to be. Guess I’ll take the plunge —

You probably assumed already we had progressed into a sexual relationship. We had and it was and is an amazing and spiritual journey. He was exactly what I needed to regain a sense of sexiness and desirability. He complimented me and taught me how to let go, live and enjoy. He introduced me to Reiki, reinforced my pursuit of positive thinking, taught me how to enjoy, allowed me to enjoy, guided me in breathing techniques and introduced tantric sex. His “wisdom” was shared with my roommate who then shared the wisdom with her then boyfriend and now fiancé. (I think my transition guy definitely deserves some of the credit there. In fact, I remember him cheering on my friend’s now fiancé to go for their first kiss!)

I joked he sounded like Christopher Walken when he talked and told him about the SNL Cowbell Skit. (One of my absolute favorite TV moments.) He went out and bought a cowbell and surprised me one night. It was quite a surprise because he jumped on the bed naked ringing the cowbell and dancing. It was the silliest and funniest thing. I loved how free he was and gained some personal freedom and confidence from him.

While we were seeing each other I had surgery and had a pretty big incision making me a bit self-conscious. I was scared to be naked with him and terrified to be naked with him and have the lights on. He amazed me once again and told me the incision was a beauty mark. I think I cried.

Although he was amazing and we had amazing fun together, we both knew we weren’t life partners for various reasons. We agreed we would tell each other if we met someone we wanted to date. He ended up meeting someone and our relationship ended. From what I last heard, his relationship progressed to an engagement and I hope that he has a life full of love and happiness because he is truly a beautiful person.

I don’t think I have met anyone with a heart as kind and deep as his. I am grateful to him on a level I can’t express. He helped me pull emotional pieces of myself back together and feel attractive, sexy and desirable. Although I would tell him how very special he was, I hope that is the one take-away he had from our time together.

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It’s amazing how alone you can feel even when are with a group of people. It’s amazing how alone you can feel when you have family that loves you. It’s amazing how alone you can feel even though you have great friends. It’s amazing how along you can feel when you don’t love yourself.

No one can fill the gap in your heart or soul when you don’t love yourself. It’s not fair to ask because no matter what they do it won’t be enough or right. The ultimate happiness has to start within yourself. The never ending love for yourself has to start from within.

You have to be your own best friend before you can be a friend to anyone else. You have to love yourself truly and unconditionally before you can truly and unconditionally love someone else.

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