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Posts Tagged ‘Online Dating’

I know the title sounds shallow, but looks do matter to a degree. I don’t think looks are everything, but there should be some physical attraction.

Sometimes very small physical features can turn me off. For example, I am not that tall, but generally am attracted to tall men. I have started to date men who are shorter, but admit I can’t date a guy under 5’7”. (My height with heels on.) There was also another time when a guy I was with had oddly stubby fingers and hands not in proportion with his body. I didn’t like the thought of holding hands or being touched by him. Definitely not a good feeling when looking for romantic relationship.

Most recently I had a first meeting with a guy I met online through the dating site I belong to. The guy was somewhat attractive in his pictures and we had good phone conversations. Meeting in person became a deal-breaker.

I am very much attracted to nice teeth and know this is not something I can compromise on. The guy I just met had severe fluoride stains on his teeth and also had a significant snaggle tooth. His snaggle tooth protruded sideways and even peaked out a bit when his lips were closed. I knew within minutes those were deal-breakers and cut short the meeting after about 20 minutes. I didn’t tell the guy why I didn’t feel attracted to him, but instead said I didn’t think we had chemistry. (It helped that we had opposite personalities, likes and dislikes.)

Balding and gray hair do not bother me, but I am not a fan of mustaches or beards. Goatees are a different category. Some guys can pull them off and others can’t. An unkempt beard is not attractive. Excessive body hair, all over back or stomach and really thick, isn’t attractive either. Plus, shedding leaves hairs all over the place.

It would be interesting to hear some of the physical traits that turn guys off. (I know weight usually makes the list.)

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I came across a site listing 112 Wedding Crasher Rules.  In reading these rules I recognized many applied to dating.  I’ve listed out the rules I believe apply and added some context and commentary

The Rules (A few of the 112 Rules)

  • Rule #5 – Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher. 
    TD: If you surround yourself with positive and emotionally healthy friends, don’t let someone you are dating come between you and your friends.  You may not spend as much time with your friends as you once did, but you should make the effort to keep those friendships going.
  • Rule #6 – Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.  TD: Fun and happy people are attractive.  Get out and have fun and you might be surprised how many people approach you!
  • Rule #7 – Blend in by standing out.  TD: Use caution here … You don’t want to stand out so much you appear psychotic; just enough to catch someone’s eye.
  • Rule #8 – Be the life of the party.  TD: Again, use caution here. Coming across as a gregarious person is great, but you don’t want to come off as frat-boy or party-girl.
  • Rule #11 – Sensitive is good.  TD: Being sensitive doesn’t mean crying for a female or coming across as wimpy for a male.  It means paying attention to your date and being aware.  If unsure, ask; asking is also a sign of consideration.
  • Rule #18 – You love animals and children.  TD: Compassion for others is good – people and pets. 
  • Rule #20 – Always have an early “appointment” the next morning.  TD: It’s important to maintain your own life and interest even when in a serious relationship.  I’m not saying create an excuse or lie to avoid your partner, but time away from each other can actually enrich the relationship.  Also, if meeting for the first time, keeping a time limit can be beneficial.  It allows you to decide if you would like to get to know the person better and provides an out if you don’t.
  • Rule #21 – Definitely make sure she’s 18.  TD: Legal age is obviously important.  I would even extend this to age differences and what is age-appropriate for you.  Do you have common interests?  Does conversation come naturally and easily?  If so, an age difference, when person is legal and consenting adult, may not matter.  Consider the person and not the age.
  • Rule #25 – You understand she heard that but that’s not what you meant.  TD: Communication is huge.  You may not always agree, but understanding the other point of view is important.
  • Rule #27 – Don’t over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.  TD: Drinking isn’t necessarily bad, but when you drink excessively or become a sloppy drinker, it’s a turn-off.  Drinking too much lessens awareness and you are more likely to say or do something you wouldn’t if sober.
  • Rule #29 – Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.  TD: When dating or in a relationship you don’t want to lose yourself, but you are forming a team of two  (more if you have kids).  It’s important to know you both will be there for the other.  Also knowing strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes can help you divvy up daily must-do’s.
  • Rule #37 – At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.  TD: This rule ties in with Rule #27.  You can’t make good decisions wen drunk.
  • Rule #39 – The way to a woman’s bed is through the dance floor.  TD: I am going to remove the sexual intention from this Rule and instead emphasize dancing is a great way to build intimacy and connection – especially slow dancing.  If dancing to club music, dancing provides an opportunity to have fun while getting to know one another.  I would caution men not to become octopus-man and have his hands all over the girl he’s dancing with. 
  • Rule #40 – Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you’re “sweet.”  TD: I interpret this rule as being kind and considerate.  Nice guys can finish first.
  • Rule #42 – Try not to break anything, unless you’re not having fun.  TD: I am going to take some creative license with this one … if you aren’t having fun, end the date or the relationship.  This doesn’t mean break it off at the first disagreement, but an unhealthy relationship is one worth leaving.
  • Rule #66 – Smile! You’re having the time of your life.  TD: Smiling is important and attractive.  A person smiling is much more approachable than someone who isn’t.  If there is someone you are interested in, make eye contact and smile.  Try it a few times and you’ll be able to see if the other person is interested in you.
  • Rule #67 – Mix it up a little. You can’t always be the man with the haunted past.  TD: Don’t dwell on the negative and highlight various interests.  Few people are looking for a couch potato.
  • Rule #72 – Studies have shown that women have a more developed sense of smell. Breath mints – small cost, big yield.  TD: Bad breathe, and bad body odor, are turn-offs! 
  • Rule #73 – No excuses. Party like a champion.  TD: Life will pass you by unless you live it.  We all have been hurt and need some time to heal, but at some point you have to stop the excuses and get out there. 
  • Rule #77 – Carry extra protection.  TD: Be mature and responsible in your relationships.  Carry condoms.  Don’t drive if drunk.
  • Rule #80 – Stop, look, listen. At weddings. In life.  TD: Again, live life.  Sometimes this means slowing down to appreciate the smaller joys in life we take for granted.  Take a look around you and appreciate what’s there.  If it isn’t working, listen to you inner voice and either work to fix it or leave it.
  • Rule #81 – Occasionally bring a gift – you’re getting sex without having to buy dinner, so you can afford a blender.  TD: Showing appreciation can be done in many ways.  Yes, you can give flowers, but sometimes a compliment is even more powerful.
  • Rule #82 – Always think ahead but always stay in the moment. Reconcile this paradox and you’ll not only get the girl, you might also get peace of mind.  TD: I interpret this as knowing what you want out of a relationship or potential partner, but not getting caught-up in a romantic fairy tale.  Keep your expectations real and grounded.
  • Rule #86 – Shoes say a lot about the man.  TD: How you present yourself is important.  We all don’t have money to dress in designer clothes, but we can iron a shirt rather than wear it wrinkled or comb our hair rather than keep it a mess.
  • Rule #96 – Etiquette isn’t old-fashioned. It’s sexy.  TD: This is huge for me!!!!!  Manners are important.  I don’t need to see what you are eating when you are talking.  Yes, I can open a door, but’s it’s nice when you offer.  This goes for both men and women.
  • Rule #99 – Be judicious with cologne. Citrus tones are best.  TD: This ties in with Rule #72.  Don’t bathe in cologne to mask other odors.
  • Rule #104 – Be well groomed and well-mannered.  TD: Rules #86 & #96 are similar.  You can still be fun, energetic and youthful while maintaining manners and good hygiene.
  • Rule #107 – Know when to abandon ship if it ain’t floating.  TD: Refer to Rule #80.
  • Rule #108 – Know your swing and salsa dancing. Girls love to get twisted around.  TD: Refer to Rules #39 & #40.

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I used to think it wasn’t fair to judge anyone based upon some of their friends, but I have learned someone’s friends are a reflection of the person. There may be a wild friend or two, or even one you strongly dislike, but the overall pattern of friends is important.

I went out on a date Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, with the intention of meeting several of my date’s friends and his sister. I was a bit intimidated by the prospect of meeting his friends and family given we have only gone on a few dates. There was also reservation because I feel there is more of a friendship between us rather than a romantic connection.

The night started out okay and I met his sister and a few extended friends. As the evening progressed more of his friends arrived and many became drunk. This was the turning point for the evening.

One of his close friends was exceptionally drunk and obnoxious. He wandered through the bar area of the restaurant starting conversations with strangers that soon turned into arguments. As the restaurant closed down and the bar activity picked up, the situation continued downhill. I’ll refer to him as “drunken guy”.

There were several women, not part of our group, who were also drunk and for some reason this night the drunks were drawn to one another. At some point, drunken guy begins arguing with some random woman who ends up joining our booth. I’ll refer to her as “drunken girl 1”. As soon as drunken girl 1 sits down she begins berating a few of the people we were with. I don’t know what she said, but all of a sudden another girl in our party who wasn’t drinking, I’ll refer to her as fighting girl, jumps up in the booth and starts yelling at drunken girl 1. The two girls began yelling back and forth threatening to fight the other. Drunken girl 1 is then escorted out by restaurant/bar staff. I thought that was the end until the other girl follows her out.

I was stunned. This is behavior you see in high school and maybe college, but not by people in their late 20s and 30s.

Drunken guy then brings over drunken girl 2. I don’t know how old she was, but easily in her early 20s. She was so drunk she was falling sideways out of the booth. Again, I don’t know what words were exchanged, but fighting girl was back up again shouting about “kicking ass” combined with a slew of other derogatory references.

Throughout this time, drunken guy is hitting on me and another friend of my date begins rubbing my thigh while I am sitting in the booth next to him. I distance myself from both of them. All this time my date is invisible and I have no idea where he is. In fact, it didn’t feel like a date at all.

The night was chaotic … perhaps psychotic. I left with my mind whirling and wondering if the night’s events really happened. It was all surreal.

I did realize I don’t want to invite or allow this drama into my life. I also realize I don’t want to invest my emotion in someone who is okay with this level of drama in his life. We are a reflection of those we surround ourselves with.

So now I have to have “the talk” and express my non-desire to pursue a relationship with my date from this night. I don’t think I even want to pursue a friendship because I don’t want to get sucked into the negativity and immaturity.

Just another Tornado Date to add to my list!

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I’ve heard the “Dating Rule of 3.”  No, not going on threesome date or dating three people at a time.  Instead, it suggests you wait until the third date to kiss and then three months until you have sex.

Really?  Should you be so structured?  I agree you shouldn’t just jump into physical affection and intimacy, but don’t agree you can schedule it according to a calendar.

Dating someone new is awkward and it takes time to get to know one another.  At first both people generally have their personal space defined and are very aware of how they are presenting themselves – what they are saying and how they are behaving.  (Most people, not all.) 

The initial dates tend to be more analytical and calculated as you feel each other out and uncover likes, dislikes, similarities and differences.  Of course there is a mix of flirtation included too if you like the person.

Flirtation can be subtle or can hit you over the head like a caveman with a club.  Subtle flirtation includes mirroring the other person’s body movements, light innuendo, smiles, eye contact and respectful touching such as holding your date’s hand.

How can you break the ice and close or lessen personal space?  If talking about a book you are reading, go sit by your date and reference a particular section where you must read it together.  If at a casual restaurant or coffee shop, doodle on paper napkins together or even pass short notes back and forth.  Guys can even compliment a bracelet a woman is wearing and holding her arm/hand to get a better look.

If sitting at a bar, and you have been talking for a while, turn into your date and allow the tips or your knees to touch or put your foot on the rung of your date’s bar stool.  Watch how soon before one of you touches the other’s leg – just don’t grope.  Keep is short and simple.

It’s amazing how being close intensifies attraction.  Just pay attention to signals from your date to ensure the attraction is mutual.  You don’t want to be written off as a weirdo because you crossed into personal space unwantedly.

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I read a recent article giving advice to guys on how to get a girl I n bed – often when first meeting.  The essence of the story was to create the “boyfriend situation” where the girl feels comfortable and an intimate connection is made.

The article recommended breaking the physical boundary by telling the girl to close her eyes and pretending to wipe something away from her eye.  It also suggests to follow-up later on with pretending to wipe something off her cheek or, even better, her bottom lip.  The article explains the bottom lip is an erogenous zone and by touching a woman’s bottom lip you are both breaking the physical barrier and providing subtle sexual stimulation.

I agree to an extent.  Touching someone’s lip is an intimate action and lips are an erogenous zone.  I disagree this is good advice.  I do agree breaking the physical barrier is an indication of attraction and interest, but doing so too early isn’t a good idea.  I would most likely think a guy was creepy or violated my personal space if he touched my lips.  This would most likely result in a TornadoDating.com blog post.

Touching my cheek is less of an offense.  There are other areas where premature touching is unsettling and this includes the sides of my waist, back of my head and high up on my rib cage.  I doubt I captured it all, but I think you get the idea.

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A strong sense of attraction can actually be a negative. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but in my experience I have made several mistakes because of strong chemistry and/or attraction. These mistakes include ignore or rationalizing red flags, getting intimate too soon, creating a false sense of security and believing all else will fall into place because it feels good.

Seriously, I have ignored red flags even when it sounds like a bat cave going off in my head. (Most likely a contributing factor to my Tornado Dating.) Lust is very different from “like”. I would even argue lust has nothing to do with liking the person and more to do with pheromones and hormones.

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I was out last night with Divorcing-Guy, who is now officially divorced. Let me reiterate we are only friends and I have clearly stated my position of not dating to him; however, I do think he has hopes it will evolve to dating.

We went out to dinner and caught up. He talked about the girls he is dating and some of the dates I have been on. He asked me over for Thanksgiving, which I declined. At the end of the evening it felt and looked as though he was going to kiss me. I didn’t quite know what to do and ended up doing some crazy head sway until we got to a clear good-bye hug.

So what is the process to avoid a kiss? Do you step back or go with the head bob until the moment has passed?

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